welcome back, me!

Hello, faithful few!

Hello? HellO?!

Ah, well.

By now most of you've figured out what's up in my life and don't need this, but I'll tell anyway, for the sake of those whose paths don't regularly intersect mine.

This. Is. An update.

I was searching/waiting for God to put me on a boat and float me away into the next season of my life and something unexpected happened...

Woke up one morning and God said, I'm going to give you reason to rejoice today. I thought, ooh, cool, I wonder what it'll be. The things I hoped would happen didn't and I got to the end of the day wondering if I'd missed something. I had! But wait, I didn't know that yet.

I chose to be thankful and rejoice in the simplicities of the day, saying God, you HAVE given me reason to rejoice and you always do. Then I pulled my phone out to switch it off for the night and saw a missed call...

Ended up that I had a coooool job in just a couple days and have been there since. So I'm a visual effects (VFX) coordinator at a company called Zoic Studios.

The last month has been crazy at work, putting in 13, 14 and 15 hour days. I left off the 16, 17 and 18 hour days cuz they don't happen as often... but they happen. Sheesh. And I didn't want you think I'm just trying to get sympathy points or something, but that's the truth. Yeah, I'll take the points. =P

I'm finishing work on an action comedy called RED that stars Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker, Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich. Looks like a fun one and it'll be fun just to see my name in the credits. Starts October 15!

Oh, and I was in a car wreck on the freeway last Sunday. More on that later... maybe. Just know God protected me, which is his way. =)

pictures worth a couple words

My friend, Rae (found on the sidebar under People I Listen To), recently posted a blog of pictures that had long been trapped in her cell phone. And it inspired me to figure out getting my own photos out of my pocket and onto the computer (you see, the USB port on the phone only works to get battery juice IN and not data OUT).

So I texted the pics to my dad, who then e-mailed them to my computer. Easy. Shoulda thought of that sooner. =P

So here are a few of my favorites with a few words of description or story to go along with 'em.

First off, a picture of Ryan (my bro) in a room made of chocolate at MOCA in LA. We were both downtown for jury duty and heard you get into the museum free with your badge! We could smell the "installation" way before we got to it! =) HEY, NO LICKING!!!

This seemed to pop up overnight! I swear it was just suddenly there, right in the middle of the driveway! Made me think of country songs and how beautiful life is. "I saw God today."

Went to a Wild At Heart camp in CO a couple years back and we got caught in a bit of a whiteout as we drove out into the mountains - crazy! The 4 wheel drive rental was a good idea.

This is from back in the day when I risked my life to put shades on windows. =P That's my buddy, Roger, way down there. We're at the new Monrovia library working on scaffolding. That job took me to some really cool places all over SoCal. Very grateful for the time and experiences I had with those people.

I got in my car after work one day and it didn't move when I took my foot off the brake. See, I was on a slope and it should have moved. Weird, I thought. Gave it a little gas. Nothing. Hmm. Got out and found this on the other side of the car, tactfully hidden where I wouldn't see, step on the gas, shred my tire. What up, gangstas?!

Every once in a while Interior Services (the window blind company) would send us to USC dorms for "an easy day of inspections." And, far more regularly than was funny, we'd open the door to a room and see this. Yeah, "agility test" woulda been a more fitting description of what we were doing. =P

This was one. fine. day. in April 2008. We went sailing with Jim and Joe.

That's all for now. There'll probably be another post like this at a later date - I've still got some pics I haven't transferred that I think are interesting and fun.

Life is cool. Share it. =Drew

live in a tent

Forgot to post this recently... so it's a little old. But so is the Bible. =D

A way of thinking (and existing - at a heart level) that's been developing in me in recent months just became more clear to me as I was painting the porch (I'm finished now, btw).

As Christians we need to live in tents. Not literally, but in our hearts. Like Abraham, we need to be ready to pick up everything and go where God says at a moment's notice.

And yeah, it may be hard. You may think, but what about these things I have? Kinda like the rich young ruler. Jesus wasn't asking him to take a vow of poverty! He just knew the guy's wealth was too important to him (and we see that it was because he chose not to go follow). We need to hold loosely. Even with people! You may think, but what about this or that relationship? I may never get that back.

You're right. Maybe you won't. But I believe in a good God! And He knows our hearts and the things that are dear to us. Trust in the goodness of His love. And even if we do leave those relationships or possessions...

Peter said to him, "We have left everything to follow you!"

"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life." - Mark 10:28-30

So be ready to let go. In fact, let go now! Don't hold on to the things of this life! Not even the good things you know are from God! Cuz by holding on, in a way, you're saying, "God, I trust you, just not with that." Enjoy them and be thankful as long as they're there, but hold only to Him.

It's when we live like this that He can give us the desires of our hearts.

more

As if I wasn't blessed enough (turns out God didn't think so =) by the outcome of taking that detour on Wednesday, I just found a note in the mail from my friend!

It was a thank you!

And it had money in it! =D More than a simple thank-you's worth!

He must've sent it or put it in the box just before I picked him up! And I didn't tell him God had directed me to go by his house - so I'm assuming (very safe assumption =) this was God moving in his heart to send it! Agh! So good!

I'm convinced God wants so much to expand our view of Him! He's made this way available to us! To shatter the boundaries we've limited ourselves to! In the way we believe. The way we trust. Hope. Love. He wants bigger and better for us than we can even come close to realizing! But as we seek and follow we're giving Him an invitation to do that in our lives!

And He delights in that!

simple story

I was driving home from the bank this morning and felt prompted to drive by my friends' house. I thought, Nah, they're all away on vacation, why would I go over there? Yeah, I bet you can guess. =) This sorta thing is becoming more normal, as you're probably aware from previous posts, and I'm learning to just follow it.

So I turned and took the route past their house. And lo and behold, one of the cars was out and I realized someone was still home. I remembered, Oh, yeah, he's flying out later to meet the family. So I got home and texted him to see if he needed a ride to the airport this weekend.

Turns out. . . he did need a ride and was leaving today, not this weekend. And I was able to help him cuz I did something as simple as turning and taking a different route home from the bank.

If I'd just dismissed it, which I almost did, he probably woulda taken a Supershuttle or left a car at the airport, which woulda cost him money for either and, if he drove himself, extra time to go get the car from the airport when he drives back with the family. So that's a blessing for him and I got the blessing of spending some time with him and rejoicing over some good/fun/happy news we recently got!

So. . .

God speaks.

Listen.

don't wait

I ride my bike, or go running, or rollerblading almost every morning (thank God I live in SoCal =). There's something about waking up and doing something very deliberate that requires intensity and energy that helps get me into a really good place with God. It's a time I set aside to pray - for friends, family, neighbors, whoever God puts on my heart.

I rode to the top of Pasadena and was gonna go to the Eaton Canyon bridge entry, but decided to go left to Allen for a fun ride down and jumping curbs. But I felt in my heart that I was to turn back around and go the way I was thinking I'd go originally. I thought, why? And reasoned why it didn't matter, but then again felt I needed to go. With a sense of urgency because I had delayed.

I zipped past the entry, where a man was just emerging from the gate and walking away. And I felt in my heart, whoa, where are you going? I wanted you over here for a reason. I thought, that guy?! And I felt Him say, yes. I stopped and delayed a while, asking, is this really you? What is this about? And I felt I was supposed to introduce myself and give him my business card. What the heck! This is crazy! I tried to quiet my mind and ask for more certainty, but heard nothing. So I said, even if it's not You, the worst that happens is he thinks I'm crazy... and has my phone number. =P But I felt You say to do this and so I'll just do it.

The guy was out of sight around the corner (I'd waited a while, giving God plenty of time to tell me it wasn't Him speaking and that I could go on my merry way =) so I took off after him and waved him down. Awkward. I said good morning and introduced myself with a, "this is gonna sound really weird, but." And I told him that I'd gotten this really strong impression when I passed him that I was supposed to give him my card. He laughed and said, "Uh, well, what do you do?" I told him I studied film, but I'm currently looking for work on a yacht. You gotta know the yacht part made him laugh - we're up in the foothills of Pasadena, remember.

But then he said good-humoredly, yet, matter-of-factly, "Well, I've never been involved or connected to the film business in any way... and I don't have a yacht =)... BUT... i might just meet someone tomorrow who does and is supposed to get this card." So he took it. I thanked him and we went our separate ways.

Okay, that was weird!

I rode back the way I wanted to go before and then felt God prompting me to turn away across another street, a street I had come up on the way to the top. I'd come across here to pray for some people I know and was feeling now like, but I already prayed for them. But I'm beginning to learn it's best just to go with what it feels like God's saying. Even if you're not sure it's Him, as long as there's no big reason you shouldn't do the thing, just do it. He's got the big picture and I don't =) =(.

I went across and right as I got near the house a guy got out of a car and walked toward the house and then back (musta forgotten something). Because I know the people who live here I had an idea who this visitor was and I thought, what did you bring me across his path for? I looked inside and felt, tell him to tell them you're praying for them.

What?! They don't need to know I pray for them. And besides, if they tell the story about this guy bringing a message from me, it might be misunderstood as me trying to get attention or something.

So I waited again, hoping God would either make it crystal clear to me what I was to do... or the moment would pass. And it did. And as soon as it was gone I felt His gentle disappointment. I knew I'd just missed out on being a part of God's blessing to these people.

And I don't want to miss out! But we can't do things waiting to see the outcomes of the things we do in obedience to God as if in the outcome we'll be assured that it had been God. Like the result of our actions will somehow be special and prove we heard Him. Or nothing will happen and prove we're crazy =).

Maybe that guy I gave my card to will throw it away and forget all about it. Or maybe he'll pass it on to just the right person. Maybe that won't happen until three months from now...

He asks only that we obey. And as long as the things we believe He's asking or telling us to do aren't harmful, we shouldn't be requiring Him to assure us it's Him before we act. Really, what's the harm in putting yourself out there a little and trusting that you hear the shepherd and know His voice? =)

so she went

Sorry I haven't shared in a while. I've had lots to say, but every time I came here I felt like I was being sidetracked from what was really important - seeking.

So I've been reading. A lot. Ordered a new Bible recently; an ESV with tons of room for me to scribble my notes. Okay, so those who know me know I don't scribble. =) It's so good to hear the Word in a different translation sometimes; you see things you haven't noticed before, get a fresh new pass at it that helps you build on what you've already found.

I've had lots of time to, and felt directed to, study and read in these last many weeks as I've searched for work (still haven't hit on anything. . . yet =) and I've been growing in my understanding of what it means to "delight yourself in the Lord" and in His word or "law," which is also translated "instruction." More on that in another post - but I'm loving the time I spend in it and the wisdom and faith I'm receiving from it ("faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God," Romans 10:17).

And now I feel like it's time to share something.

I received some money for my birthday that was given with the intention that it go toward getting a small digital pocket camera (I haven't had a camera since Ryan ran off with ours, God bless him =). But having spent a lot on training and having no income I've been considering just depositing the money and considering it as, well, income. Thanking God for it, of course, and the people who gave it, but thinking it seemed rather "nonsensical" (remember that) to go out and buy stuff when there's no money coming in.

I'd asked God yesterday if I should keep the money out and possibly buy a camera or put it in the bank (I'm suddenly thinking about Mary Poppins and the boy's tuppence =). And I woke up this morning with the story of Elisha and the widow on my mind. And God saying (and I don't mean I heard an audible voice, but I felt Him speak in my spirit), Go, in faith, and buy the camera. You're gonna want one where you're going. =) So I looked up the story. . .

1Now the wife of one of the sons of the prophets cried to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD, but the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves." 2And Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me; what have you in the house?" And she said, "Your servant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil." 3Then he said, "Go outside, borrow vessels from all your neighbors, empty vessels and not too few. 4Then go in and shut the door behind yourself and your sons and pour into all these vessels. And when one is full, set it aside." 5So she went from him and shut the door behind herself and her sons. And as she poured they brought the vessels to her. 6When the vessels were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel." And he said to her, "There is not another." Then the oil stopped flowing. 7She came and told the man of God, and he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debts, and you and your sons can live on the rest." (emphasis added)

The woman is widowed. On her own. She's got nothing. On top of that, she has debt and they're gonna take her sons as payment. See, she thinks she has nothing. Or she feels she has nothing. And rightly so. What she can see and feel says there's not much hope, if any. And in my case too, what I see seems pretty limited. But Elisha says, go and do a bunch of stuff that seems "nonsensical" (gathering loads of jars from everywhere she can think of. . . so she can pour her one little jar of leftover oil, what, into the bottom of another one?).

God's asking her to step out in faith - to prepare for what He wants to do! And it's as she does that that He's able to work for her and through her for her good!

He's asking me to step out in faith! To trust him even when it seems nonsensical - this is almost beginning to feel like a theme in my life. =) He said I'm gonna want a camera where I'm going. He's always got good reasons for why He asks/tells us to do things, but most important, as with the widow, is that we do those things! What if the widow had said, "You're crazy! What's borrowing all those pots gonna help? It'll make everyone think I'm crazy, that's what!" God wouldn't have done a thing. Her sons woulda been taken as slaves and she woulda starved! Or something.

But she had faith. Or, at the very least, obedience. So. she. went.

They got every jar they could get their hands on! She was preparing for what God was going to do! She did what Elisha said and look how God moved! They filled every jar! The oil in the little one didn't run out 'til they'd filled all the borrowed ones! She paid the debt and they lived off the leftovers!

I'm not saying God's gonna make me rich by my going to get this camera. I'm saying, "I'm going out there and I'm gonna prepare for what God is going to do!" God is bigger and better than what I can see.

So believe with me! I will be out there! Soon!

And I'll take pictures! =D

closer to you

This is a small clip of a song I started writing a month or so ago. I was playing my guitar, just letting some stuff out, trying to give voice to what I was feeling. Not find words for what I was feeling, just express it, get it out through the music. But words started coming.

I turned on the mic and just played and sang the words I was feeling and when I stopped I could hear the rest of the music. So I sat down and added the other pieces (so I could go back later and know where it was going). I feel like it pry sounds kinda typical, unoriginal, but it was and continues to be, for me, sincere.

The words that came weren't what I was feeling . . . they were what my heart was telling me, more true than my feelings.

I'm sharing it because it's hard to. And I hope it encourages you a little. =)

The photo is from our backpacking trip - this is a rooftop in Athens where we would hang out and worship.

You may want to read along (below) - the recording is rough.



These are my hopes, these are my dreams
This is my heart and I choose to bring
All of myself as my offering
I bring You these songs You gave me to sing
I give them to You cuz I wanna be
Closer to You, come closer to me

Don't be far away
Can't you hear me say

I wanna be closer to You
Take everything I've held on to
Cuz all that I want and all that I need
I find in Your arms as You make me complete
I wanna be...
Closer to You...

painted heart

I went running this morning - just a couple miles through the old neighborwood. And there, on the sidewalk, a sidewalk I've walked, skated and biked on for sixteen years, was this . . .


Maybe it's new to the area, but . . . maybe I just never noticed it before.

I've been in a different headspace and heartspace these last couple months and I'm finding more and more that there are tons of little signs and moments and interactions God wants us to see and have that we totally miss when we're caught up in Life. See, it's easier to find or recognize these things when we're searching for something. Searching for truth, answers, love, validation, security, our road map to life (where the heck do I find that one?! =). So I've been searching a lot. And finding a lot. And it's not always the things we want to find. But it's the things God knows we need to find.

He encourages. He inspires. He comforts. He speaks through things that are easy to miss.

I stopped at the park for a drink from the fountain and saw a man taking a walk with his dog. And his parrot. =) Now I didn't get some specific message from this, but God put me there at that moment (not a moment too soon or too late) to see this guy with his dog and his bird. And He knew seeing that would make me smile and think of Him. It made me think that the answers I'm searching for . . . maybe they won't look like what I expect. Maybe I've been looking for something that fits "in the box." Open your eyes a little wider.

Later, I saw a mom pushing an empty stroller, her two little kids running ahead to something that had them excited. The little boy reached the opening of a drain pipe in someone's yard that was buried under a bulge in the lawn, much like the doorway to a hobbit hole, and he began calling into it, "HOBBIT? HOBBIT?" The sister joined him with enthusiasm. The mom noticed me passing by and smiled, both of us delighted by the kids' blissful ignorance. And I thought of how we're so often like those kids to God, thinking or believing something ridiculous and needing His gentle explanation (with a delighted smile) to bring us to a place of true understanding of the world, of life, of who He is.

And that painted heart? I really needed that. Thank you. =)

He's speaking to us! Listen for it. Be awake to it.

he got me (soaking wet)

So. I'm still here in San Diego, tired from a long week of job hunting - trying to continually be walking outside of my comfort zone. And had a long week of training right before this.

In the last couple days I've just felt drained - emotionally and physically. I felt like I was running out of steps to take. I came down here following God, but as I neared the end of the second week (now) I was feeling kinda lost. I hadn't expected to find a job right away and be headed off to who-knows-where by now, but I did expect to be more. . . well, confident or content, knowing I had done what God said. I felt like I wasn't hearing God in a step by step way these last couple days. I felt like I was merely continuing to do what I'd heard Him say at the beginning, but wasn't hearing any new direction. And I really felt like I needed some. =)

Yesterday, my last day on the "dockwalk," was good though. I snuck back into the largest of the marinas here and talked to crew members on three more megayachts and gave out my resume. They were all really nice, having been in my shoes before, and said they'd see what they can do for me. But after that there really wasn't anything else I could do. I'd done all the docks and talked to the crews, made inquiries at several local maintenance companies and even turned in job applications at a yacht club and marina (cuz getting a job around yachts would at least be another step closer).

I was feeling like, okay God, I've gone as far as I can here. Now what? And I wasn't hearing an answer. So I spent this rainy Saturday inside with some good food and watched messages from a favorite minister, Keith Moore, among other things, like checking in on the olympics, journalling (always good - need to do that more =) and watching a TV special about a little place called Gander, Newfoundland, that played a beautiful role on Sept. 11, 2001 and the days following (moved me to tears).

But I was really encouraged by Keith's teaching about following God's promptings all the time; being in constant conversation with Him about everything, no matter how big or small. That's what I'd lost in the last few days - I'd dropped the conversation! And so I began to just talk to Him again. And He talked back. And see, it's not necessarily that He'd been silent, because He may have been speaking all along without me hearing. It's when I'm deliberate about having that conversational relationship with Him that I'm tuned in to hear what He's saying.

So I got to the end of one of the sermons and got up to take a walk with the dog. I was saying, God, I feel like I left you somewhere back there. What do I do from here? And He said simply, just come back. =) (He smiles a lot =) He wants that casual, conversational relationship because it's from there that we can most easily hear His instruction-- or more, His heart. He's always ready to share with us.

I was getting ready to head out when I thought of something I needed to do on the computer, but He said, i thought we're going on a walk. I thought, it'll only take a few minutes and then we'll go. He said, no. grab your sweatshirt and let's go! A hint of urgency in His command. =) And then I remembered, this is GOD I'm talking to. . . Right. Grab sweatshirt. Go. Haha. Love it.

So I grabbed it, got the dog on the leash and we left. Now. . . it had poured this morning and showered a couple times during the day, but it'd been dry for hours. There were clouds and a crisp breeze, but it wasn't gonna rain. So we walked out and down the hill a ways, five or so minutes, Megan (the dog) sniffing around at things and me simply enjoying the chill and the view and thanking God for it when. . .

It started POURING. I mean, all at once! It was, by far, the heaviest rain I've EVER experienced! The only rain I know that compares to it fell on us in Tecate, Mexico, several Thanksgiving's ago when the drops where easily the size of marbles! I was laughing and must've been grinning from ear to ear. He did this on purpose! Everywhere was puddle! I was drenched almost instantly! I could barely see across the street, the rain was so thick! We ran. And when we got back to the house the rain stopped. Of course. =) I was soaked! I couldn't have been wetter if I'd climbed out of a pool with all my clothes on! Soaked. . . to. the. bone. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. Pure. Joy. =D

And the best part? I knew if I had gone to the computer instead of listening to His prompting to just leave, I would have completely missed all that! He got me! =) He got me good! And you can bet that's kept us talking since!

an open gate

Had a bit of a rough day yesterday. Tried to meet with the rep of one of the crew agencies here during their open hours in the morning and was told to come back at the end of the day because there would be other new crew people to meet and network with. The lady also said it'd just be easier for her to talk to us all at once instead of me in the morning and the rest at the end of the day. And being me, I gladly obliged despite the inconvenience - I'd figure out another plan for making good use of the day.

So I drove around some more to get a better feel for where the marinas are and, more importantly, which ones the megayachts are at. I went home and ate my packed lunch - the one I had planned to eat during a break from job hunting (which is what I planned to do with the information I would've gotten from the morning meeting). I studied google maps of San Diego and the harbor, islands, marinas, etc. and called up the captain of a charter boat called the Stars and Stripes. It's a retired racing yacht and the captain agreed to have me on Saturday as a volunteer deckhand, just as a way for me to start getting experience. Thing is, it's a sail boat. Not really what I want to be doing, but it'll be an adventure helping to sail this 78-footer and who knows what may come of the connections I make. . .

And that was kinda the highlight of the day yesterday cuz when I went back to the agency office I was the only one there for the meeting (and it appears as if the rep knew that's how it would be from the start - she just didn't wanna deal with me in the morning). And our meeting basically consisted of her telling me I have very little chance of getting a job, that I paid $300 more than I needed to for training school and that I should shave. . . so people don't mistake me for a hippie. =) And man, I gotta tell ya, that thing about the training school bugged me cuz I ASKED HER which school to go to weeks ago when I was planning this trip and she said NOTHING about this other option that was 300 less! Agh! And now she tells it to me like I'M silly for going where I did.

So I left the meeting pretty well discouraged and took some time to really sit and talk to God. I was low and was questioning if I'd blown it coming down here to San Diego. I wanted to leave. Go home. Go to sleep. God! Did I totally miss you? I thought I heard you. All the negativity and the knowledge that I coulda saved a bunch of money made it very easy to doubt. But God began bringing me back. As I talked and listened I could recognize His voice again and saw that that wasn't the voice I heard in the meeting. His voice was saying, you're okay. Don't be afraid. I'm still here. You don't think that just because of this it means I've lost control, do you? =) I've still got it. You're doing well. Everything you've done is right. You went to the right places, you met the people I wanted you to meet. And what's $300 to God anyway. Being human it's just so easy to assume that something like that is a sign that we've messed up.

I went home and shared it all with my longtime friend, "Aunt" Mary and God continued to bring me back from that place of discouragement and doubt. But I woke up this morning and some of that stuff began creeping back in. I almost got out the door without spending some time with God, really feeling like I needed to get out and do something - make something happen. But I was prompted to just stop. And let time go, wherever it was going to. =)

My bookmark was at Habakkuk cuz I've been reading through in order and I almost turned away from it, thinking I probably need something like Psalms right now. But I read the first sentence of Eugene Peterson's intro to Habakkuk and knew immediately that I had to read on. It was exactly what I needed to hear! And Habakkuk wraps up like this. . .

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

Amen! Even though my circumstances don't look promising I KNOW God is faithful and His promises will prevail! Now I was ready to go out and face whatever challenges or obstacles lay ahead.

I was going out to "dockwalk." Basically, go to the marinas and yacht clubs and sneak onto the docks and try to talk to the people on the really big boats. Try to get work. Try to not get thrown out. =) And this is all new to me! The idea of going up to complete strangers and starting conversations is kinda daunting, let alone asking for a job. =) Definitely stepping out of my comfort zone, needing God to be with me.

And you know what? God. Is. Faithful. And he delights in us! He loves it when we "go for it" with Him. And he showed me that. . .

I was gonna hafta wait (without looking suspicious) for someone to go in or out of the private dock gate and slip in around them, acting like I belonged there too. I had been told by the rep at the agency to just tell people I'm friends with someone on the yachts if I got stopped and as I walked toward the gate I just wasn't sure I was actually okay with lying to someone so I could get down to the boats. But God quieted me and let me know He was with me. And I turned the corner to see the gate to the dock. . . standing wide open! It was propped open for some unexplained reason, just for me! I had been there before, multiple times, and it was locked - all the private docks are locked!

You gotta know this made me smile! God is SOOO good! I didn't ask Him to prove anything to me when I doubted, I chose to continue believing and He did this on His own - because He wanted to! And that was the start of my day today. =) I didn't get any work, but I talked to a couple boats on that first dock and got my resume to a captain and got onto several more docks and talked to more people afterward! After starting with a wide open gate I felt pretty good about going anywhere I wanted. =) The GOD. . . of the UNIVERSE is walking around with me! Where CAN'T I go? What CAN'T I do?

fire and water

Hey all! Ha, that makes me wonder how many people actually read this stuff. . . No matter!

Just finished the third day of the STCW 95 course here in San Diego. We spent eight hours yesterday (day 2) going over and over what's known about fires; the dangers, the equipment, the strategies, etc. We were on the Navy base this morning at 0645 to make good use of their top-notch firefighting training facilities and were soon "dressed-out" in the full getup. I'm glad we had all the time we did in the classroom because we got on base this morning and I really felt comfortable and ready for whatever was coming.

And this is what was coming!


These pictures are just from the web and not from this particular facility (at least, I don't think so), because naturally, we were all a little too busy to be snapping photos. =D But I wanted to show you what it was like today and this is it!

Ever been in the Backdraft attraction at Universal Studios? Well, it was a lot like that. . . only, we were really in it!


We ran two-man teams on small fires in the galley and electrical room with foam and CO2 extinguishers and ran four-man hose teams on bigger fires. I was the nozzleman (the guy actually aiming the water) a few times and I hafta say, you really gotta be in control. Both of the nozzle, which is powerful, and of your team. We got a fire put out at one point this morning and had started moving out when we had a re-flash (the fires are controlled by operators who choose how it's gonna go) and the whole thing was back, bigger than before! Fortunately, I was backing away toward the exit with the nozzle and saw the re-flash. The three on my team had all turned and put their backs to the room. . . and me! We were already into the next compartment and wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been alert and backing out.

And here I give honor to God because I believe that was His favor on me. As we suited up to go in, putting on our tanks and masks, I prayed simply that my mind would be sharp, my physical actions strong. God, be with me. I went in recalling scenes from Saving Private Ryan where my favorite character, Pvt. Jackson, quotes scripture with quiet intensity as he trains his sniper rifle on the enemy. "Be not thou far from me, O Lord." His shot rings out. He reloads. "O my strength, haste thee to help me." Again. "O my God, I trust in thee. Let me not be ashamed. Let not mine enemies triumph over me."

I don't mean to make it over dramatic or anything. . . but it was kinda epic. =D Knowing you're walking with God in the way He's told you to go is unlike anything else. It's like you're invincible. And that's not a foolish state of mind, it's His promise. And we can stand on it.

Yeah, everything was more or less "safe" because it's training, but that doesn't make His word any less powerful. I heard a quote once that comes to mind. It goes something like, "safety is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God."

today...

It's Valentine's Day. I'm in San Diego.

Got up this morning in an empty house and went running. I ran to the beach. I didn't know how far it was, but that's where I was going. I listened to Tenth Avenue North on my iPod and the whole album was great - good encouragement. The music kept reminding that all I need is God.

One song especially got stuck in my head and it's been in there all day. Love Is Here. The chorus starts, "love is here, love is now."

I got to the bluffs and turned off the music. And a voice shouted my name. I looked around and there were people here and there, walking, waxing surfboards, playing with dogs. But I didn't see anyone that looked like they had called out to someone.

I stayed by the water for a bit and began walking back, music off, wondering just a little if someone I knew had seen me (we have relatives down here) and would try to get my attention again. No one did. But as I walked, a little more alert than when I'd come down, something caught my eye. One of those mini Snickers bars in shiny red wrapping! A Valentine candy. It made me smile as I walked along and on the next block LOVE was written in the sidewalk in funny block lettering! I got to the corner and the don't walk hand started flashing, but the middle fingers are painted and I thought it was the I Love You hand sign. Then I realized this is surfer town and it's actually that shaka (sp) sign or hand greeting the surfers use. =)

But the point is I saw it as I Love You first. And so today has been a pretty good Valentine's Day! God is good and He loves me! And He tells me so. He's telling you too. Listen.

the next step

Well, I'm heading out of town soon for a week of training in San Diego that'll start on the 13th and end on the 20th. One course is done by the US Coast Guard in Oceanside (13th and 20th) and that'll all be pretty basic boating stuff. Some of it may be hands-on, but it'll mostly be lecture. And strangely, I'm actually looking forward to it. =) I've even had homework! It feels so right to be learning things I want to learn and have a real interest in and not because someone else requires it of me.

The other course will be at a private maritime training facility in San Diego and involve lots of hands-on stuff! That'll be Monday through Friday (15th - 19th), eight hour days of instruction, application and testing. And I'm excited! One day will be about personal safety and social responsibility onboard ship. Another will be CPR and first aid. Two days of FIREFIGHTING!!! And one day of personal survival. . . like in the case that the ship goes down. . . or I go overboard. . . or whatever. =) None of that's gonna happen - it's just good to be prepared. It'll pry look something like this. . .


Seem random or weird that I'm doing this? It kinda feels that way to me. I feel like it probably looks foolish or irresponsible to be going off "chasing" a dream like this instead of being "realistic," hunkering down and securing a solid job (and income), but I'm positive this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Have you ever been there?

Where there's simply no doubt whether or not you're making the right decision?

The peace is truly beautiful.

Sure, there's uncertainty. I mean, I don't know how it'll turn out. . . I have hopes of how it'll turn out, but that's not important. He said step. So I'm stepping. And he'll have another step after this one. It may not be what I expect, but that's okay. I just need to be here and now. . . with Him.

what's his role, really?

Here's a little section from one of my favorite books, The Sacred Romance. Just felt good to hear this today so I thought I'd share it with you. . .

Does God have a good heart? When we think of God as Author, the Grand Chess Player, the Mind Behind It All, we doubt his heart. As Melville said, “The reason the mass of men fear God and at bottom dislike him is because they rather distrust his heart, and fancy him all brain, like a watch.” Do you relate to the author when reading a novel or watching a film? Caught up in the action, do you even think about the author? We identify with the characters in the story precisely because they are in the story. They face life as we do, on the ground, and their struggles win our sympathy because they are our struggles also. We love the hero because he is one of us, and yet somehow rises above the fray to be better and wiser and more loving as we hope one day we might prove to be.

The Author lies behind, beyond. His omniscience and omnipotence may be what creates the drama, but they are also what separates us from him. Power and knowledge don’t qualify for heart. Indeed, the worst sort of villain is the kind who executes his plans with cold and calculated precision. He is detached; he has no heart. If we picture God as the mastermind behind the story— calling the shots while we, like Job, endure the calamities—we can’t help but feel at times what C. S. Lewis was bold enough to put words to: “We’re the rats in the cosmic laboratory.” Sure, he may have our good in mind, but that still makes him the “vivisectionist”—the experimenter.

We root for the hero and heroine, even come to love them, because they are living in the drama. They feel the heartache, they suffer loss and summon courage and shed their own blood in their struggles against evil. What if? Just what if we saw God not as Author, the cosmic mastermind behind all human experience, but as the central character in the larger story? What could we learn about his heart?

heaven song

A song I recorded yesterday, written by Phil Wickham. Photo credit goes to my friend, Tyler Knochel. God, thank you for your promise.

oh, the wonders

Ever seen one of these before? It's a lunar halo or a "hey, look, there's a ring around the moon!"


I was with some friends in Phoenix, AZ on January One and we all saw this! Well, not exactly this - I got this pic off the web. But it is from AZ and I'm sure we could have seen it like this, with a cactus, if we had wanted to. But it was so awesome and mysterious! I had never seen it before, at least not that I can remember. We didn't pull out the camera or anything, but we all enjoyed it and talked about blue moons and such.

I'm writing about it, though, because it happened again the other night! Here above Pasadena! Braden (my big little brother =) came in and said I had to check out the sky. It was after midnight sometime and cold out, but everything was lit up blue by the almost-full moon and there was a perfect ring around it, just like the photo. I looked it up just now and discovered it's a lot like a rainbow, but is caused by moonlight reflecting off of and shining through ice particles way up high! =)

Reminded me of Phoenix and friends and how creative and thoughtful God is!

salt (and pepper) and light

I had a conversation with my parents a while ago. It was one of those long, honest, "heart-to-heart" conversations about life and. . . stuff. I didn't used to like those much cause life seemed easier-- no, more pleasant when I just kept to myself and dealt with things on my own. Stupid. The older I get, the more I enjoy them - those conversations. I'm still not the best at initiating them, but I want them - I wanna stay raw and real with people. It's hard, but it feels so-o good! Like growing pains (those always made me laugh cuz they hurt, but I liked that I was growing).

But anyway, we were at the table and talking about relationships and the salt and pepper and a candle got used to illustrate how our relationships should look.


It's crucial that we keep God, the light, in the center of the relationship. And when we find ourselves (the salt or pepper in this case) off to one side or the other, all it takes is repositioning ourselves so that everything we do and say to a friend or family member or coworker goes through God first. Cuz if He's not there we can end up hurting people. . . or getting hurt. Messes get made of things that could be and should be beautiful.

It's interesting, though, and it can't be shown with these table-things because it's not physically possible, but as long as you are choosing to be "hidden" behind God, you will be, even if the other person in the relationship has stepped out of line so that they're not "hidden." He'll protect us and help us to filter the things that come at us if we're being deliberate about keeping Him in the relationship mix.

But the best is to be in a relationship where both people are choosing to keep God between them. Cuz He's there to protect us, but His being there doesn't hinder growth in relationship! In fact, the more we move toward Him, the closer we are to each other!

So take a look at your relationships and see if you've got God there in between you and your friends or family or whoever. And if He's not there. . . ask Him to be! Real relationship isn't usually a walk in the park (sounds nice though) and it's easy to get caught up in the emotions of it all (good or bad) and forget to keep God in the center. So be deliberate. In all your relationships!

just do it

I'm talking about following God here. . .

I got up this morning not feeling really great about life, but quickly remembered the place I was in with God last night - He gave me part of a song and I recorded what was there. He was helping me to keep surrendering things in my life that feel important and true and necessary and showing me more and more that really, all I need is Him. Even if I give up everything that's important to me and life seems to be void of goodness or beauty, He is SO completely sufficient! There are tons of wonderful, amazing things He wants for us and has for us in this life, but He wants us to want Him most! All those other things are bonuses - and they're good and right and part of the beauty of life, but they're not so important that giving them over to Him means anything bad. By letting go we free ourselves to be more completely His!

Okay that was a tangent. =D The point was. . .

I woke up and felt like I should go rollerblading, but didn't really feel like it. I remembered God's goodness and the things He's been saying to me recently. I went. I took the recording from last night on my iPod and skated around my neighborhood. I headed uphill and was soon ready to call it quits and make a loop that would take me back downhill. But I felt something urging me to keep going, keep straining. So I did. Another block and I thought, this is probably far enough. I'll turn around now. But again I felt that nudging in my spirit and kept going. I got to a T in the street I was on and was glad to be forced to go sideways instead of up and up and up.

I turned the corner and there was a good friend of mine I haven't been really connected with lately! He too had gotten up not really wanting to go out, but was now out jogging - something he hasn't been doing regularly. He just felt this morning like it's what he should do. We went on together and connected - shared some recent praises and challenges and had a really great time.

He asked me what I had been listening to when we bumped into each other and suddenly I felt silly, but knew this was all happening for a reason. I told him I felt silly cuz I was listening to myself - the song from last night - but that it was relevant and ministering to me. I didn't really want to, but offered the iPod so he could hear. He was really encouraged by it and it sparked more conversation!

God is good. How do we ever forget this?!

So with that in mind, that God is good (aaand knows what He's doing =), I challenge you to listen. Listen and feel for his voice and His gentle prodding. Be willing to embrace discomfort and challenge and just do it.

why?

In a Bible study not too long ago on the topic of works someone asked the question, "what if we get to the gates of heaven and God says, 'Why should I let you in?'"

I don't think I had ever really thought about it before, but in that instant I knew in my heart exactly what I would say. "Because you love me. . . And because I love you."

Okay =D, I had written a lot more here about how I felt so sure that love is the only answer, but then I remembered. . .

Romans 10:9 doesn't say we need to love him to be saved, only believe. So. . . maybe I've just gotten in so far that I can't imagine not loving him. =D I guess I'm at a place, and I think many of us are, where believing in him is such a given that it has been superseded by loving him.

I dunno. . .

I just know that's what I would say. =D

set sail

For those of you who haven't known me very long or just haven't been "in touch" recently (which could very well be my fault. I'm sorry =), I've always had a love for the sea.

My family has done houseboat vacations with my great aunt and uncle since, well, since before I was even around to go along. And there's always been something alluring to me about living out on the water. Not to mention all the A-mazing things one can do for fun out there, like wakeboarding, skiing, tubing, etc. =D

But anyway, when Ryan (my brother) and I were in Greece in October we went out to an island for a day of super-fresh seafood and swimming at the beach. I was out in the water at one point, marveling in the simple beauty of my surroundings and the old wooden boat on blocks in the sand being painted bright red when I saw a gleaming white power yacht far out on the water between me and the distant mountain islands.

I saw it there, cutting across the horizon and I felt an old familiar ache. You see, I went through a "phase" many years ago when I was absolutely determined that yachting was the life for me. I subscribed to a magazine and clipped pictures out to keep in my journal and would look up the newest, biggest yachts online. I dreamt of someday having my own and using it as a sort of ministry tool; a way to share with people the super-abundant love of God for us. I wanted people to see that God desires so much better and bigger for us than we often let ourselves believe. Eventually "reality" sunk in (haha, not intended =) and I let it all go. Dismissed it. It was silly. After all, the only people that have these boats are the uber wealthy! I was just a kid.

Well, I saw that yacht in Greece and I felt that longing again. I took it to God and said, this feels important to me. There's something here that's significant beyond a mere childhood fantasy. And he said, yeah... what are you going to do about it?

I thought about that. And for the last several weeks of the trip he spoke to me more about my heart and that he wants me living from it more! To be awake and alive to the desires he's given me and to the mystery of the life it brings when we listen to it with him!

Anyway, I'm pursuing a "career" working on yachts. I'll be living in San Diego for part of February to do safety training and to just be around boats more. Sound kinda crazy? It does to me. =D It's gonna require a lot of growth and determination. But most of all determination to trust.

And so my journey has brought me here. To this moment. I don't know how long or how far this will go. I'm learning to live in the moment, not guessing or worrying about the next. Not regretting the last. All I know is what he's told me to do right now. And I'm gonna do it!

i will not be safe

This quote by C.S. Lewis has been on my mind a lot recently and I wrote it down here in a draft this morning, but didn't know what to say to accompany it.

A few moments ago this quote became more relevant and true to me than I could say if I wanted to.

And so... I'll just leave it to speak for me.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves