he got me (soaking wet)

So. I'm still here in San Diego, tired from a long week of job hunting - trying to continually be walking outside of my comfort zone. And had a long week of training right before this.

In the last couple days I've just felt drained - emotionally and physically. I felt like I was running out of steps to take. I came down here following God, but as I neared the end of the second week (now) I was feeling kinda lost. I hadn't expected to find a job right away and be headed off to who-knows-where by now, but I did expect to be more. . . well, confident or content, knowing I had done what God said. I felt like I wasn't hearing God in a step by step way these last couple days. I felt like I was merely continuing to do what I'd heard Him say at the beginning, but wasn't hearing any new direction. And I really felt like I needed some. =)

Yesterday, my last day on the "dockwalk," was good though. I snuck back into the largest of the marinas here and talked to crew members on three more megayachts and gave out my resume. They were all really nice, having been in my shoes before, and said they'd see what they can do for me. But after that there really wasn't anything else I could do. I'd done all the docks and talked to the crews, made inquiries at several local maintenance companies and even turned in job applications at a yacht club and marina (cuz getting a job around yachts would at least be another step closer).

I was feeling like, okay God, I've gone as far as I can here. Now what? And I wasn't hearing an answer. So I spent this rainy Saturday inside with some good food and watched messages from a favorite minister, Keith Moore, among other things, like checking in on the olympics, journalling (always good - need to do that more =) and watching a TV special about a little place called Gander, Newfoundland, that played a beautiful role on Sept. 11, 2001 and the days following (moved me to tears).

But I was really encouraged by Keith's teaching about following God's promptings all the time; being in constant conversation with Him about everything, no matter how big or small. That's what I'd lost in the last few days - I'd dropped the conversation! And so I began to just talk to Him again. And He talked back. And see, it's not necessarily that He'd been silent, because He may have been speaking all along without me hearing. It's when I'm deliberate about having that conversational relationship with Him that I'm tuned in to hear what He's saying.

So I got to the end of one of the sermons and got up to take a walk with the dog. I was saying, God, I feel like I left you somewhere back there. What do I do from here? And He said simply, just come back. =) (He smiles a lot =) He wants that casual, conversational relationship because it's from there that we can most easily hear His instruction-- or more, His heart. He's always ready to share with us.

I was getting ready to head out when I thought of something I needed to do on the computer, but He said, i thought we're going on a walk. I thought, it'll only take a few minutes and then we'll go. He said, no. grab your sweatshirt and let's go! A hint of urgency in His command. =) And then I remembered, this is GOD I'm talking to. . . Right. Grab sweatshirt. Go. Haha. Love it.

So I grabbed it, got the dog on the leash and we left. Now. . . it had poured this morning and showered a couple times during the day, but it'd been dry for hours. There were clouds and a crisp breeze, but it wasn't gonna rain. So we walked out and down the hill a ways, five or so minutes, Megan (the dog) sniffing around at things and me simply enjoying the chill and the view and thanking God for it when. . .

It started POURING. I mean, all at once! It was, by far, the heaviest rain I've EVER experienced! The only rain I know that compares to it fell on us in Tecate, Mexico, several Thanksgiving's ago when the drops where easily the size of marbles! I was laughing and must've been grinning from ear to ear. He did this on purpose! Everywhere was puddle! I was drenched almost instantly! I could barely see across the street, the rain was so thick! We ran. And when we got back to the house the rain stopped. Of course. =) I was soaked! I couldn't have been wetter if I'd climbed out of a pool with all my clothes on! Soaked. . . to. the. bone. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. Pure. Joy. =D

And the best part? I knew if I had gone to the computer instead of listening to His prompting to just leave, I would have completely missed all that! He got me! =) He got me good! And you can bet that's kept us talking since!

an open gate

Had a bit of a rough day yesterday. Tried to meet with the rep of one of the crew agencies here during their open hours in the morning and was told to come back at the end of the day because there would be other new crew people to meet and network with. The lady also said it'd just be easier for her to talk to us all at once instead of me in the morning and the rest at the end of the day. And being me, I gladly obliged despite the inconvenience - I'd figure out another plan for making good use of the day.

So I drove around some more to get a better feel for where the marinas are and, more importantly, which ones the megayachts are at. I went home and ate my packed lunch - the one I had planned to eat during a break from job hunting (which is what I planned to do with the information I would've gotten from the morning meeting). I studied google maps of San Diego and the harbor, islands, marinas, etc. and called up the captain of a charter boat called the Stars and Stripes. It's a retired racing yacht and the captain agreed to have me on Saturday as a volunteer deckhand, just as a way for me to start getting experience. Thing is, it's a sail boat. Not really what I want to be doing, but it'll be an adventure helping to sail this 78-footer and who knows what may come of the connections I make. . .

And that was kinda the highlight of the day yesterday cuz when I went back to the agency office I was the only one there for the meeting (and it appears as if the rep knew that's how it would be from the start - she just didn't wanna deal with me in the morning). And our meeting basically consisted of her telling me I have very little chance of getting a job, that I paid $300 more than I needed to for training school and that I should shave. . . so people don't mistake me for a hippie. =) And man, I gotta tell ya, that thing about the training school bugged me cuz I ASKED HER which school to go to weeks ago when I was planning this trip and she said NOTHING about this other option that was 300 less! Agh! And now she tells it to me like I'M silly for going where I did.

So I left the meeting pretty well discouraged and took some time to really sit and talk to God. I was low and was questioning if I'd blown it coming down here to San Diego. I wanted to leave. Go home. Go to sleep. God! Did I totally miss you? I thought I heard you. All the negativity and the knowledge that I coulda saved a bunch of money made it very easy to doubt. But God began bringing me back. As I talked and listened I could recognize His voice again and saw that that wasn't the voice I heard in the meeting. His voice was saying, you're okay. Don't be afraid. I'm still here. You don't think that just because of this it means I've lost control, do you? =) I've still got it. You're doing well. Everything you've done is right. You went to the right places, you met the people I wanted you to meet. And what's $300 to God anyway. Being human it's just so easy to assume that something like that is a sign that we've messed up.

I went home and shared it all with my longtime friend, "Aunt" Mary and God continued to bring me back from that place of discouragement and doubt. But I woke up this morning and some of that stuff began creeping back in. I almost got out the door without spending some time with God, really feeling like I needed to get out and do something - make something happen. But I was prompted to just stop. And let time go, wherever it was going to. =)

My bookmark was at Habakkuk cuz I've been reading through in order and I almost turned away from it, thinking I probably need something like Psalms right now. But I read the first sentence of Eugene Peterson's intro to Habakkuk and knew immediately that I had to read on. It was exactly what I needed to hear! And Habakkuk wraps up like this. . .

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

Amen! Even though my circumstances don't look promising I KNOW God is faithful and His promises will prevail! Now I was ready to go out and face whatever challenges or obstacles lay ahead.

I was going out to "dockwalk." Basically, go to the marinas and yacht clubs and sneak onto the docks and try to talk to the people on the really big boats. Try to get work. Try to not get thrown out. =) And this is all new to me! The idea of going up to complete strangers and starting conversations is kinda daunting, let alone asking for a job. =) Definitely stepping out of my comfort zone, needing God to be with me.

And you know what? God. Is. Faithful. And he delights in us! He loves it when we "go for it" with Him. And he showed me that. . .

I was gonna hafta wait (without looking suspicious) for someone to go in or out of the private dock gate and slip in around them, acting like I belonged there too. I had been told by the rep at the agency to just tell people I'm friends with someone on the yachts if I got stopped and as I walked toward the gate I just wasn't sure I was actually okay with lying to someone so I could get down to the boats. But God quieted me and let me know He was with me. And I turned the corner to see the gate to the dock. . . standing wide open! It was propped open for some unexplained reason, just for me! I had been there before, multiple times, and it was locked - all the private docks are locked!

You gotta know this made me smile! God is SOOO good! I didn't ask Him to prove anything to me when I doubted, I chose to continue believing and He did this on His own - because He wanted to! And that was the start of my day today. =) I didn't get any work, but I talked to a couple boats on that first dock and got my resume to a captain and got onto several more docks and talked to more people afterward! After starting with a wide open gate I felt pretty good about going anywhere I wanted. =) The GOD. . . of the UNIVERSE is walking around with me! Where CAN'T I go? What CAN'T I do?

fire and water

Hey all! Ha, that makes me wonder how many people actually read this stuff. . . No matter!

Just finished the third day of the STCW 95 course here in San Diego. We spent eight hours yesterday (day 2) going over and over what's known about fires; the dangers, the equipment, the strategies, etc. We were on the Navy base this morning at 0645 to make good use of their top-notch firefighting training facilities and were soon "dressed-out" in the full getup. I'm glad we had all the time we did in the classroom because we got on base this morning and I really felt comfortable and ready for whatever was coming.

And this is what was coming!


These pictures are just from the web and not from this particular facility (at least, I don't think so), because naturally, we were all a little too busy to be snapping photos. =D But I wanted to show you what it was like today and this is it!

Ever been in the Backdraft attraction at Universal Studios? Well, it was a lot like that. . . only, we were really in it!


We ran two-man teams on small fires in the galley and electrical room with foam and CO2 extinguishers and ran four-man hose teams on bigger fires. I was the nozzleman (the guy actually aiming the water) a few times and I hafta say, you really gotta be in control. Both of the nozzle, which is powerful, and of your team. We got a fire put out at one point this morning and had started moving out when we had a re-flash (the fires are controlled by operators who choose how it's gonna go) and the whole thing was back, bigger than before! Fortunately, I was backing away toward the exit with the nozzle and saw the re-flash. The three on my team had all turned and put their backs to the room. . . and me! We were already into the next compartment and wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been alert and backing out.

And here I give honor to God because I believe that was His favor on me. As we suited up to go in, putting on our tanks and masks, I prayed simply that my mind would be sharp, my physical actions strong. God, be with me. I went in recalling scenes from Saving Private Ryan where my favorite character, Pvt. Jackson, quotes scripture with quiet intensity as he trains his sniper rifle on the enemy. "Be not thou far from me, O Lord." His shot rings out. He reloads. "O my strength, haste thee to help me." Again. "O my God, I trust in thee. Let me not be ashamed. Let not mine enemies triumph over me."

I don't mean to make it over dramatic or anything. . . but it was kinda epic. =D Knowing you're walking with God in the way He's told you to go is unlike anything else. It's like you're invincible. And that's not a foolish state of mind, it's His promise. And we can stand on it.

Yeah, everything was more or less "safe" because it's training, but that doesn't make His word any less powerful. I heard a quote once that comes to mind. It goes something like, "safety is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God."

today...

It's Valentine's Day. I'm in San Diego.

Got up this morning in an empty house and went running. I ran to the beach. I didn't know how far it was, but that's where I was going. I listened to Tenth Avenue North on my iPod and the whole album was great - good encouragement. The music kept reminding that all I need is God.

One song especially got stuck in my head and it's been in there all day. Love Is Here. The chorus starts, "love is here, love is now."

I got to the bluffs and turned off the music. And a voice shouted my name. I looked around and there were people here and there, walking, waxing surfboards, playing with dogs. But I didn't see anyone that looked like they had called out to someone.

I stayed by the water for a bit and began walking back, music off, wondering just a little if someone I knew had seen me (we have relatives down here) and would try to get my attention again. No one did. But as I walked, a little more alert than when I'd come down, something caught my eye. One of those mini Snickers bars in shiny red wrapping! A Valentine candy. It made me smile as I walked along and on the next block LOVE was written in the sidewalk in funny block lettering! I got to the corner and the don't walk hand started flashing, but the middle fingers are painted and I thought it was the I Love You hand sign. Then I realized this is surfer town and it's actually that shaka (sp) sign or hand greeting the surfers use. =)

But the point is I saw it as I Love You first. And so today has been a pretty good Valentine's Day! God is good and He loves me! And He tells me so. He's telling you too. Listen.

the next step

Well, I'm heading out of town soon for a week of training in San Diego that'll start on the 13th and end on the 20th. One course is done by the US Coast Guard in Oceanside (13th and 20th) and that'll all be pretty basic boating stuff. Some of it may be hands-on, but it'll mostly be lecture. And strangely, I'm actually looking forward to it. =) I've even had homework! It feels so right to be learning things I want to learn and have a real interest in and not because someone else requires it of me.

The other course will be at a private maritime training facility in San Diego and involve lots of hands-on stuff! That'll be Monday through Friday (15th - 19th), eight hour days of instruction, application and testing. And I'm excited! One day will be about personal safety and social responsibility onboard ship. Another will be CPR and first aid. Two days of FIREFIGHTING!!! And one day of personal survival. . . like in the case that the ship goes down. . . or I go overboard. . . or whatever. =) None of that's gonna happen - it's just good to be prepared. It'll pry look something like this. . .


Seem random or weird that I'm doing this? It kinda feels that way to me. I feel like it probably looks foolish or irresponsible to be going off "chasing" a dream like this instead of being "realistic," hunkering down and securing a solid job (and income), but I'm positive this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Have you ever been there?

Where there's simply no doubt whether or not you're making the right decision?

The peace is truly beautiful.

Sure, there's uncertainty. I mean, I don't know how it'll turn out. . . I have hopes of how it'll turn out, but that's not important. He said step. So I'm stepping. And he'll have another step after this one. It may not be what I expect, but that's okay. I just need to be here and now. . . with Him.

what's his role, really?

Here's a little section from one of my favorite books, The Sacred Romance. Just felt good to hear this today so I thought I'd share it with you. . .

Does God have a good heart? When we think of God as Author, the Grand Chess Player, the Mind Behind It All, we doubt his heart. As Melville said, “The reason the mass of men fear God and at bottom dislike him is because they rather distrust his heart, and fancy him all brain, like a watch.” Do you relate to the author when reading a novel or watching a film? Caught up in the action, do you even think about the author? We identify with the characters in the story precisely because they are in the story. They face life as we do, on the ground, and their struggles win our sympathy because they are our struggles also. We love the hero because he is one of us, and yet somehow rises above the fray to be better and wiser and more loving as we hope one day we might prove to be.

The Author lies behind, beyond. His omniscience and omnipotence may be what creates the drama, but they are also what separates us from him. Power and knowledge don’t qualify for heart. Indeed, the worst sort of villain is the kind who executes his plans with cold and calculated precision. He is detached; he has no heart. If we picture God as the mastermind behind the story— calling the shots while we, like Job, endure the calamities—we can’t help but feel at times what C. S. Lewis was bold enough to put words to: “We’re the rats in the cosmic laboratory.” Sure, he may have our good in mind, but that still makes him the “vivisectionist”—the experimenter.

We root for the hero and heroine, even come to love them, because they are living in the drama. They feel the heartache, they suffer loss and summon courage and shed their own blood in their struggles against evil. What if? Just what if we saw God not as Author, the cosmic mastermind behind all human experience, but as the central character in the larger story? What could we learn about his heart?