don't wait

I ride my bike, or go running, or rollerblading almost every morning (thank God I live in SoCal =). There's something about waking up and doing something very deliberate that requires intensity and energy that helps get me into a really good place with God. It's a time I set aside to pray - for friends, family, neighbors, whoever God puts on my heart.

I rode to the top of Pasadena and was gonna go to the Eaton Canyon bridge entry, but decided to go left to Allen for a fun ride down and jumping curbs. But I felt in my heart that I was to turn back around and go the way I was thinking I'd go originally. I thought, why? And reasoned why it didn't matter, but then again felt I needed to go. With a sense of urgency because I had delayed.

I zipped past the entry, where a man was just emerging from the gate and walking away. And I felt in my heart, whoa, where are you going? I wanted you over here for a reason. I thought, that guy?! And I felt Him say, yes. I stopped and delayed a while, asking, is this really you? What is this about? And I felt I was supposed to introduce myself and give him my business card. What the heck! This is crazy! I tried to quiet my mind and ask for more certainty, but heard nothing. So I said, even if it's not You, the worst that happens is he thinks I'm crazy... and has my phone number. =P But I felt You say to do this and so I'll just do it.

The guy was out of sight around the corner (I'd waited a while, giving God plenty of time to tell me it wasn't Him speaking and that I could go on my merry way =) so I took off after him and waved him down. Awkward. I said good morning and introduced myself with a, "this is gonna sound really weird, but." And I told him that I'd gotten this really strong impression when I passed him that I was supposed to give him my card. He laughed and said, "Uh, well, what do you do?" I told him I studied film, but I'm currently looking for work on a yacht. You gotta know the yacht part made him laugh - we're up in the foothills of Pasadena, remember.

But then he said good-humoredly, yet, matter-of-factly, "Well, I've never been involved or connected to the film business in any way... and I don't have a yacht =)... BUT... i might just meet someone tomorrow who does and is supposed to get this card." So he took it. I thanked him and we went our separate ways.

Okay, that was weird!

I rode back the way I wanted to go before and then felt God prompting me to turn away across another street, a street I had come up on the way to the top. I'd come across here to pray for some people I know and was feeling now like, but I already prayed for them. But I'm beginning to learn it's best just to go with what it feels like God's saying. Even if you're not sure it's Him, as long as there's no big reason you shouldn't do the thing, just do it. He's got the big picture and I don't =) =(.

I went across and right as I got near the house a guy got out of a car and walked toward the house and then back (musta forgotten something). Because I know the people who live here I had an idea who this visitor was and I thought, what did you bring me across his path for? I looked inside and felt, tell him to tell them you're praying for them.

What?! They don't need to know I pray for them. And besides, if they tell the story about this guy bringing a message from me, it might be misunderstood as me trying to get attention or something.

So I waited again, hoping God would either make it crystal clear to me what I was to do... or the moment would pass. And it did. And as soon as it was gone I felt His gentle disappointment. I knew I'd just missed out on being a part of God's blessing to these people.

And I don't want to miss out! But we can't do things waiting to see the outcomes of the things we do in obedience to God as if in the outcome we'll be assured that it had been God. Like the result of our actions will somehow be special and prove we heard Him. Or nothing will happen and prove we're crazy =).

Maybe that guy I gave my card to will throw it away and forget all about it. Or maybe he'll pass it on to just the right person. Maybe that won't happen until three months from now...

He asks only that we obey. And as long as the things we believe He's asking or telling us to do aren't harmful, we shouldn't be requiring Him to assure us it's Him before we act. Really, what's the harm in putting yourself out there a little and trusting that you hear the shepherd and know His voice? =)

so she went

Sorry I haven't shared in a while. I've had lots to say, but every time I came here I felt like I was being sidetracked from what was really important - seeking.

So I've been reading. A lot. Ordered a new Bible recently; an ESV with tons of room for me to scribble my notes. Okay, so those who know me know I don't scribble. =) It's so good to hear the Word in a different translation sometimes; you see things you haven't noticed before, get a fresh new pass at it that helps you build on what you've already found.

I've had lots of time to, and felt directed to, study and read in these last many weeks as I've searched for work (still haven't hit on anything. . . yet =) and I've been growing in my understanding of what it means to "delight yourself in the Lord" and in His word or "law," which is also translated "instruction." More on that in another post - but I'm loving the time I spend in it and the wisdom and faith I'm receiving from it ("faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God," Romans 10:17).

And now I feel like it's time to share something.

I received some money for my birthday that was given with the intention that it go toward getting a small digital pocket camera (I haven't had a camera since Ryan ran off with ours, God bless him =). But having spent a lot on training and having no income I've been considering just depositing the money and considering it as, well, income. Thanking God for it, of course, and the people who gave it, but thinking it seemed rather "nonsensical" (remember that) to go out and buy stuff when there's no money coming in.

I'd asked God yesterday if I should keep the money out and possibly buy a camera or put it in the bank (I'm suddenly thinking about Mary Poppins and the boy's tuppence =). And I woke up this morning with the story of Elisha and the widow on my mind. And God saying (and I don't mean I heard an audible voice, but I felt Him speak in my spirit), Go, in faith, and buy the camera. You're gonna want one where you're going. =) So I looked up the story. . .

1Now the wife of one of the sons of the prophets cried to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD, but the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves." 2And Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me; what have you in the house?" And she said, "Your servant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil." 3Then he said, "Go outside, borrow vessels from all your neighbors, empty vessels and not too few. 4Then go in and shut the door behind yourself and your sons and pour into all these vessels. And when one is full, set it aside." 5So she went from him and shut the door behind herself and her sons. And as she poured they brought the vessels to her. 6When the vessels were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel." And he said to her, "There is not another." Then the oil stopped flowing. 7She came and told the man of God, and he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debts, and you and your sons can live on the rest." (emphasis added)

The woman is widowed. On her own. She's got nothing. On top of that, she has debt and they're gonna take her sons as payment. See, she thinks she has nothing. Or she feels she has nothing. And rightly so. What she can see and feel says there's not much hope, if any. And in my case too, what I see seems pretty limited. But Elisha says, go and do a bunch of stuff that seems "nonsensical" (gathering loads of jars from everywhere she can think of. . . so she can pour her one little jar of leftover oil, what, into the bottom of another one?).

God's asking her to step out in faith - to prepare for what He wants to do! And it's as she does that that He's able to work for her and through her for her good!

He's asking me to step out in faith! To trust him even when it seems nonsensical - this is almost beginning to feel like a theme in my life. =) He said I'm gonna want a camera where I'm going. He's always got good reasons for why He asks/tells us to do things, but most important, as with the widow, is that we do those things! What if the widow had said, "You're crazy! What's borrowing all those pots gonna help? It'll make everyone think I'm crazy, that's what!" God wouldn't have done a thing. Her sons woulda been taken as slaves and she woulda starved! Or something.

But she had faith. Or, at the very least, obedience. So. she. went.

They got every jar they could get their hands on! She was preparing for what God was going to do! She did what Elisha said and look how God moved! They filled every jar! The oil in the little one didn't run out 'til they'd filled all the borrowed ones! She paid the debt and they lived off the leftovers!

I'm not saying God's gonna make me rich by my going to get this camera. I'm saying, "I'm going out there and I'm gonna prepare for what God is going to do!" God is bigger and better than what I can see.

So believe with me! I will be out there! Soon!

And I'll take pictures! =D

closer to you

This is a small clip of a song I started writing a month or so ago. I was playing my guitar, just letting some stuff out, trying to give voice to what I was feeling. Not find words for what I was feeling, just express it, get it out through the music. But words started coming.

I turned on the mic and just played and sang the words I was feeling and when I stopped I could hear the rest of the music. So I sat down and added the other pieces (so I could go back later and know where it was going). I feel like it pry sounds kinda typical, unoriginal, but it was and continues to be, for me, sincere.

The words that came weren't what I was feeling . . . they were what my heart was telling me, more true than my feelings.

I'm sharing it because it's hard to. And I hope it encourages you a little. =)

The photo is from our backpacking trip - this is a rooftop in Athens where we would hang out and worship.

You may want to read along (below) - the recording is rough.



These are my hopes, these are my dreams
This is my heart and I choose to bring
All of myself as my offering
I bring You these songs You gave me to sing
I give them to You cuz I wanna be
Closer to You, come closer to me

Don't be far away
Can't you hear me say

I wanna be closer to You
Take everything I've held on to
Cuz all that I want and all that I need
I find in Your arms as You make me complete
I wanna be...
Closer to You...

painted heart

I went running this morning - just a couple miles through the old neighborwood. And there, on the sidewalk, a sidewalk I've walked, skated and biked on for sixteen years, was this . . .


Maybe it's new to the area, but . . . maybe I just never noticed it before.

I've been in a different headspace and heartspace these last couple months and I'm finding more and more that there are tons of little signs and moments and interactions God wants us to see and have that we totally miss when we're caught up in Life. See, it's easier to find or recognize these things when we're searching for something. Searching for truth, answers, love, validation, security, our road map to life (where the heck do I find that one?! =). So I've been searching a lot. And finding a lot. And it's not always the things we want to find. But it's the things God knows we need to find.

He encourages. He inspires. He comforts. He speaks through things that are easy to miss.

I stopped at the park for a drink from the fountain and saw a man taking a walk with his dog. And his parrot. =) Now I didn't get some specific message from this, but God put me there at that moment (not a moment too soon or too late) to see this guy with his dog and his bird. And He knew seeing that would make me smile and think of Him. It made me think that the answers I'm searching for . . . maybe they won't look like what I expect. Maybe I've been looking for something that fits "in the box." Open your eyes a little wider.

Later, I saw a mom pushing an empty stroller, her two little kids running ahead to something that had them excited. The little boy reached the opening of a drain pipe in someone's yard that was buried under a bulge in the lawn, much like the doorway to a hobbit hole, and he began calling into it, "HOBBIT? HOBBIT?" The sister joined him with enthusiasm. The mom noticed me passing by and smiled, both of us delighted by the kids' blissful ignorance. And I thought of how we're so often like those kids to God, thinking or believing something ridiculous and needing His gentle explanation (with a delighted smile) to bring us to a place of true understanding of the world, of life, of who He is.

And that painted heart? I really needed that. Thank you. =)

He's speaking to us! Listen for it. Be awake to it.

he got me (soaking wet)

So. I'm still here in San Diego, tired from a long week of job hunting - trying to continually be walking outside of my comfort zone. And had a long week of training right before this.

In the last couple days I've just felt drained - emotionally and physically. I felt like I was running out of steps to take. I came down here following God, but as I neared the end of the second week (now) I was feeling kinda lost. I hadn't expected to find a job right away and be headed off to who-knows-where by now, but I did expect to be more. . . well, confident or content, knowing I had done what God said. I felt like I wasn't hearing God in a step by step way these last couple days. I felt like I was merely continuing to do what I'd heard Him say at the beginning, but wasn't hearing any new direction. And I really felt like I needed some. =)

Yesterday, my last day on the "dockwalk," was good though. I snuck back into the largest of the marinas here and talked to crew members on three more megayachts and gave out my resume. They were all really nice, having been in my shoes before, and said they'd see what they can do for me. But after that there really wasn't anything else I could do. I'd done all the docks and talked to the crews, made inquiries at several local maintenance companies and even turned in job applications at a yacht club and marina (cuz getting a job around yachts would at least be another step closer).

I was feeling like, okay God, I've gone as far as I can here. Now what? And I wasn't hearing an answer. So I spent this rainy Saturday inside with some good food and watched messages from a favorite minister, Keith Moore, among other things, like checking in on the olympics, journalling (always good - need to do that more =) and watching a TV special about a little place called Gander, Newfoundland, that played a beautiful role on Sept. 11, 2001 and the days following (moved me to tears).

But I was really encouraged by Keith's teaching about following God's promptings all the time; being in constant conversation with Him about everything, no matter how big or small. That's what I'd lost in the last few days - I'd dropped the conversation! And so I began to just talk to Him again. And He talked back. And see, it's not necessarily that He'd been silent, because He may have been speaking all along without me hearing. It's when I'm deliberate about having that conversational relationship with Him that I'm tuned in to hear what He's saying.

So I got to the end of one of the sermons and got up to take a walk with the dog. I was saying, God, I feel like I left you somewhere back there. What do I do from here? And He said simply, just come back. =) (He smiles a lot =) He wants that casual, conversational relationship because it's from there that we can most easily hear His instruction-- or more, His heart. He's always ready to share with us.

I was getting ready to head out when I thought of something I needed to do on the computer, but He said, i thought we're going on a walk. I thought, it'll only take a few minutes and then we'll go. He said, no. grab your sweatshirt and let's go! A hint of urgency in His command. =) And then I remembered, this is GOD I'm talking to. . . Right. Grab sweatshirt. Go. Haha. Love it.

So I grabbed it, got the dog on the leash and we left. Now. . . it had poured this morning and showered a couple times during the day, but it'd been dry for hours. There were clouds and a crisp breeze, but it wasn't gonna rain. So we walked out and down the hill a ways, five or so minutes, Megan (the dog) sniffing around at things and me simply enjoying the chill and the view and thanking God for it when. . .

It started POURING. I mean, all at once! It was, by far, the heaviest rain I've EVER experienced! The only rain I know that compares to it fell on us in Tecate, Mexico, several Thanksgiving's ago when the drops where easily the size of marbles! I was laughing and must've been grinning from ear to ear. He did this on purpose! Everywhere was puddle! I was drenched almost instantly! I could barely see across the street, the rain was so thick! We ran. And when we got back to the house the rain stopped. Of course. =) I was soaked! I couldn't have been wetter if I'd climbed out of a pool with all my clothes on! Soaked. . . to. the. bone. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. Pure. Joy. =D

And the best part? I knew if I had gone to the computer instead of listening to His prompting to just leave, I would have completely missed all that! He got me! =) He got me good! And you can bet that's kept us talking since!

an open gate

Had a bit of a rough day yesterday. Tried to meet with the rep of one of the crew agencies here during their open hours in the morning and was told to come back at the end of the day because there would be other new crew people to meet and network with. The lady also said it'd just be easier for her to talk to us all at once instead of me in the morning and the rest at the end of the day. And being me, I gladly obliged despite the inconvenience - I'd figure out another plan for making good use of the day.

So I drove around some more to get a better feel for where the marinas are and, more importantly, which ones the megayachts are at. I went home and ate my packed lunch - the one I had planned to eat during a break from job hunting (which is what I planned to do with the information I would've gotten from the morning meeting). I studied google maps of San Diego and the harbor, islands, marinas, etc. and called up the captain of a charter boat called the Stars and Stripes. It's a retired racing yacht and the captain agreed to have me on Saturday as a volunteer deckhand, just as a way for me to start getting experience. Thing is, it's a sail boat. Not really what I want to be doing, but it'll be an adventure helping to sail this 78-footer and who knows what may come of the connections I make. . .

And that was kinda the highlight of the day yesterday cuz when I went back to the agency office I was the only one there for the meeting (and it appears as if the rep knew that's how it would be from the start - she just didn't wanna deal with me in the morning). And our meeting basically consisted of her telling me I have very little chance of getting a job, that I paid $300 more than I needed to for training school and that I should shave. . . so people don't mistake me for a hippie. =) And man, I gotta tell ya, that thing about the training school bugged me cuz I ASKED HER which school to go to weeks ago when I was planning this trip and she said NOTHING about this other option that was 300 less! Agh! And now she tells it to me like I'M silly for going where I did.

So I left the meeting pretty well discouraged and took some time to really sit and talk to God. I was low and was questioning if I'd blown it coming down here to San Diego. I wanted to leave. Go home. Go to sleep. God! Did I totally miss you? I thought I heard you. All the negativity and the knowledge that I coulda saved a bunch of money made it very easy to doubt. But God began bringing me back. As I talked and listened I could recognize His voice again and saw that that wasn't the voice I heard in the meeting. His voice was saying, you're okay. Don't be afraid. I'm still here. You don't think that just because of this it means I've lost control, do you? =) I've still got it. You're doing well. Everything you've done is right. You went to the right places, you met the people I wanted you to meet. And what's $300 to God anyway. Being human it's just so easy to assume that something like that is a sign that we've messed up.

I went home and shared it all with my longtime friend, "Aunt" Mary and God continued to bring me back from that place of discouragement and doubt. But I woke up this morning and some of that stuff began creeping back in. I almost got out the door without spending some time with God, really feeling like I needed to get out and do something - make something happen. But I was prompted to just stop. And let time go, wherever it was going to. =)

My bookmark was at Habakkuk cuz I've been reading through in order and I almost turned away from it, thinking I probably need something like Psalms right now. But I read the first sentence of Eugene Peterson's intro to Habakkuk and knew immediately that I had to read on. It was exactly what I needed to hear! And Habakkuk wraps up like this. . .

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

Amen! Even though my circumstances don't look promising I KNOW God is faithful and His promises will prevail! Now I was ready to go out and face whatever challenges or obstacles lay ahead.

I was going out to "dockwalk." Basically, go to the marinas and yacht clubs and sneak onto the docks and try to talk to the people on the really big boats. Try to get work. Try to not get thrown out. =) And this is all new to me! The idea of going up to complete strangers and starting conversations is kinda daunting, let alone asking for a job. =) Definitely stepping out of my comfort zone, needing God to be with me.

And you know what? God. Is. Faithful. And he delights in us! He loves it when we "go for it" with Him. And he showed me that. . .

I was gonna hafta wait (without looking suspicious) for someone to go in or out of the private dock gate and slip in around them, acting like I belonged there too. I had been told by the rep at the agency to just tell people I'm friends with someone on the yachts if I got stopped and as I walked toward the gate I just wasn't sure I was actually okay with lying to someone so I could get down to the boats. But God quieted me and let me know He was with me. And I turned the corner to see the gate to the dock. . . standing wide open! It was propped open for some unexplained reason, just for me! I had been there before, multiple times, and it was locked - all the private docks are locked!

You gotta know this made me smile! God is SOOO good! I didn't ask Him to prove anything to me when I doubted, I chose to continue believing and He did this on His own - because He wanted to! And that was the start of my day today. =) I didn't get any work, but I talked to a couple boats on that first dock and got my resume to a captain and got onto several more docks and talked to more people afterward! After starting with a wide open gate I felt pretty good about going anywhere I wanted. =) The GOD. . . of the UNIVERSE is walking around with me! Where CAN'T I go? What CAN'T I do?

fire and water

Hey all! Ha, that makes me wonder how many people actually read this stuff. . . No matter!

Just finished the third day of the STCW 95 course here in San Diego. We spent eight hours yesterday (day 2) going over and over what's known about fires; the dangers, the equipment, the strategies, etc. We were on the Navy base this morning at 0645 to make good use of their top-notch firefighting training facilities and were soon "dressed-out" in the full getup. I'm glad we had all the time we did in the classroom because we got on base this morning and I really felt comfortable and ready for whatever was coming.

And this is what was coming!


These pictures are just from the web and not from this particular facility (at least, I don't think so), because naturally, we were all a little too busy to be snapping photos. =D But I wanted to show you what it was like today and this is it!

Ever been in the Backdraft attraction at Universal Studios? Well, it was a lot like that. . . only, we were really in it!


We ran two-man teams on small fires in the galley and electrical room with foam and CO2 extinguishers and ran four-man hose teams on bigger fires. I was the nozzleman (the guy actually aiming the water) a few times and I hafta say, you really gotta be in control. Both of the nozzle, which is powerful, and of your team. We got a fire put out at one point this morning and had started moving out when we had a re-flash (the fires are controlled by operators who choose how it's gonna go) and the whole thing was back, bigger than before! Fortunately, I was backing away toward the exit with the nozzle and saw the re-flash. The three on my team had all turned and put their backs to the room. . . and me! We were already into the next compartment and wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been alert and backing out.

And here I give honor to God because I believe that was His favor on me. As we suited up to go in, putting on our tanks and masks, I prayed simply that my mind would be sharp, my physical actions strong. God, be with me. I went in recalling scenes from Saving Private Ryan where my favorite character, Pvt. Jackson, quotes scripture with quiet intensity as he trains his sniper rifle on the enemy. "Be not thou far from me, O Lord." His shot rings out. He reloads. "O my strength, haste thee to help me." Again. "O my God, I trust in thee. Let me not be ashamed. Let not mine enemies triumph over me."

I don't mean to make it over dramatic or anything. . . but it was kinda epic. =D Knowing you're walking with God in the way He's told you to go is unlike anything else. It's like you're invincible. And that's not a foolish state of mind, it's His promise. And we can stand on it.

Yeah, everything was more or less "safe" because it's training, but that doesn't make His word any less powerful. I heard a quote once that comes to mind. It goes something like, "safety is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God."