(not) surprised

I went to a movie night at a coworker's church last Sunday.  He'd invited me a month or so ago (prefaced with, "I don't usually invite people to the ghetto") and he didn't respond to my text on Sunday when I tried to confirm (I realized the Grammy's were on and I might've mixed up my dates).  I'd committed, though, and since I couldn't get in touch with him I Google-mapped the church name and went out, hoping something would be happening when I got there. =)

And I'm glad I did.  I was the only white person there and I felt like I was with-- no, I was with family.

I showed up and was glad to see cars in the lot, but thought for a moment I might be in the wrong place when a woman said, "Hi!" and asked who invited me... and didn't know my friend.  She knew I'd been invited by someone, which I assumed was because she knew everyone else, but probably had more to do with the fact that I kinda stood out. =P

I made sure there was indeed a movie night happening (not wanting to walk empty-handed into a potluck or male into a women's Bible study on Song of Solomon) and went in.

I met a couple delightfully friendly people before hearing my buddy from across the sanctuary.  "Duuude!"  (When I think of this guy I hear that in my head every time - he kinda says it a lot.  A lot, a lot. =) He was surpriiised to see me.  He's got a new phone number so hadn't gotten my text (a text which funnily led to a text conversation with someone named Cathy later that night who now has my buddy's old number).  He wasn't counting on me being there.

The movie was Courageous, a Christian-made cop drama with a good message and production quality.  It's one of the better "Christian movies" I've seen and I recommend it.

There were little kids glued to the police action and parents with infants in their arms and grandparents and teenagers all laughing together and grimacing together and feeling together.  It was really fun.  The congregation discussed the movie afterward; people sharing their thoughts and favorite moments; raising questions, etc., which felt natural and enjoyable.  These people were honest and caring and willing to be vulnerable with each other like family (should be).  I could see and hear brokenness and hurt in the lives around me and in the ways they related to different aspects of the movie, but there was a real joy and hope at the same time!  I had such a good time.

I thought the evening was over when the pastor said, "Well, it's been a great night..." and I was ready to make the drive home, but then he was saying, "...so do we have any first time visitors tonight?"  Haha, it makes me chuckle to think about it cuz I swear everyone in there knew exactly who he was talking to.  Me.

I laughed and raised my hand and he "found me" in the crowd =P and said something like, "Wonderful!  So glad to to have you here with us! Stand up and tell us about yourself!  Who are you, where are you from, who do you know, what'd you think?!"  My buddy seemed a little embarrassed or something at me being "put on the spot", but I was strangely happy about it!  I already felt like hugging everyone.  I stood up (and a guy ran over with a mic =) and it felt so easy and free, talking to them, being a welcomed part of their family.  I thanked them all and said I'd be back again, which I will!

I met my buddy's mom (who happens to have very good taste in movies - she told him to watch Warrior and then he told me - so. good.) and shook hands and hugged and said goodnight to people like we'd known each other for years.

And as I drove home, truly refreshed and and delighted by God, looking forward to seeing all these people again, I wondered...

Why is the Body so disjointed?  Why am I so surprised to feel this love and friendship with other believers just cuz I didn't know them when I got up this morning?  I shouldn't be.

It says something, I think, about the condition of the church as a whole.  We let denominations and preferences in worship music and tradition and ritual and dress codes separate us from each other, from the Body.  We say we're all brothers and sisters and all part of a whole, but do we act like it?  Do you ever go to other churches?  Like, outside of your denomination?  Would your friends or leaders?  Would you... be "allowed" to?  Seriously, people go to churches across the street from each other and act as if the other doesn't exist.  You see churches interacting with and reaching out to the world, but do you see them interacting with each other?  Acting like they're family?  Like they're all children of the same Father (all "adopted")?  Isn't it possible that some kind of good could come from at least knowing some of our brothers and sisters?  Our fellow soldiers?

(small) reminders

I've been going to a new church, Reality LA, since mid May. I heard about it through a couple friends; one who attended the high school group and another my age who I now see every Sunday. =) I don't know who all knows this already, but yeah, that's my church. It's been really good - I'll prolly say more in a later post.

The story for this time is that last night I (finally) went to one of the several community groups they have around the LA area! It was a really good night of Bible study, worship and discussion based on the message that was taught on Sunday (which reminds me I wanna watch the sermon cuz I was out of town with friends in CO, which is also worth talking about... later).

Toward the end we split into smaller groups and shared with each other where we're at and things we're going through, praying for each other and getting to know each other a little as fellow journeyers. And I was really encouraged by that experience, especially the group prayer and the honesty and vulnerability in that. It's something that used to be more regular in my life, but I see has been lacking in the last few years.

One of the great gifts of Christian fellowship is being able to share our thoughts and concerns and praises with others who are likewise walking with God and wanting to give and receive support. When I think about "fellowship" I'm reminded of Lord of the Rings and the awesome example of what fellowship can be. We're meant to be a group of people united by our cause, journeying together, spurring each other on, lifting each other up! We have each other's backs! We want to see each other succeed because we're parts of a whole!

I think it's easy to forget or discount the blessing it is to really pray for each other and pray with each other! It's such an encouragement to be united with others, asking and believing together for God's presence and favor and grace and mercy in our lives, for our relationships, in trials and on and on. And I believe it delights God. =)

Anyway, it was really good and I look forward to continuing in that fellowship. But what got me going on all this was... a bug.

We prayed and shared prayer requests last night and I left there really grateful and wanting to live my life more like that all the time. I shared with a friend while driving home that I realized and felt convicted about how little time I spend praying for others and for "big picture" things, like our government leaders and for our fellowship as a whole. My prayers and thoughts have been so "me" focussed and I want that to change.

Aaanyway, I went out to the car this morning thinking about work, having completely forgotten about the things God stirred up in me last night. And there on the top of my door was this Praying Mantis. =) It was a sweet little reminder from God that brought everything from the night before rushing back and turned my heart toward His. And having this little picture helps me remember to pray and to dwell on things of God.

God's pretty great, huh? =)

don't hold your breath

An excerpt from one of John Eldredge's books that really encouraged me this morning...

Flip with me for a moment through the photo album of your heart, and collect a few of your most treasured memories. Recall a time in your life when you felt really special, a time when you knew you were loved. The day you got engaged perhaps. Or a childhood Christmas. Maybe a time with your grandparents.

Hold your memory while you gather another, a time of real adventure, such as when you first learned to ride a bike, or galloped on a horse, or perhaps did something exciting on a vacation. Now, we were meant to live in a world like that - every day. Just as our lungs are made to breathe oxygen, our souls are designed to flourish in an atmosphere rich in love and meaning, security and significance, intimacy and adventure. But we don't live in that world anymore. Far from it. Though we try to resolve the dilemma by disowning our desire, it doesn't work. It is the soul's equivalent of holding our breath. Eventually, we find ourselves gasping for air. (Desire, 71-72)

"we do a bad thing here"

"Honest communication in love is the only way to live and grow in friendship." - Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

I took that to heart when I read it a few years ago and must say I've found it to be true... by trial and error.  =\

Yeah, you may get to know someone better over time without being totally honest or transparent with them, you know, leaving certain things unsaid, like that something your friend does bugs you orrr that you like someone more than they want you to. Things may be more comfortable or "manageable" if you don't share everything, but without real honesty, without really opening yourself up and being vulnerable you're not going to really grow. The only way to really be known is to let yourself BE known.

Think of the times you were with a friend or sibling or parent and really felt close to them. I bet those moments were times you shared something deeper, maybe more "secret" about yourselves than you normally do with people. They told you about something they're worried or insecure about or you really tried to tell them how much they mean to you.

I can tell right now this'll probably be another one of those rambling entries I feel dissatisfied with because I couldn't quite communicate it all the way I feel it. Just being honest. =) So this is an exercise for me, making a point of letting people know what I think and feel in this messy way even though I'd like to wait and hold onto it and edit it over and over again until it's all said just right.

Anyway.

Isn't that what we all want, to reeeally be known? Not just for people to know what we like or don't like or to spend time with us. We want people to know the real us! It can be a scary thought, I think, the idea of letting people know the real you. Cuz there're a lot of things about who we are and who we've been that we wish were different.

That passage from Captivating goes on to say, "There are ebbs and flows. There may be real hurt and disappointment. But with the grace of God firmly holding us, it is possible to nurture and sustain deep friendships. We are designed to live in relationship and share in the lives of other [people]. We need one another. God knows that. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and, in faith, to love."

The keys there are at the end, I think. Ask. Surrender. Normally I'd focus on the "to love" part because ultimately that is THE key, but my point here is about being deliberate in relationship with others. If I want to see growth in any relationship I have I have to "ask" for it (be deliberate) and not only be willing to surrender, but to come into it already surrendered. If you can approach a relationship already surrendered to the other person, wanting to be known in the love of friendship, growth will happen.

I kinda feel like this next part, which is actually what inspired this entry, doesn't quite fit where I've gone anymore, but whatever.

Some friends and I recently watched "500 Days of Summer" and this one scene stood out to me. Tom, the main guy, is a greeting card writer and tells his coworkers right before he quits, "It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth."

I'm not saying that greeting cards are bad. =Duh. What got me was his frustration at a life where no one was willing to be vulnerable, to actually open up and say... well, just say, I guess. People want to be seen and known as being good, as having things together, as not needing other people. But we DO need each other. And I know now from experience that letting people in to see the mess, the doubt, the questions, the real desires, it's satisfying. It's uncomfortable sometimes, but even the discomfort, oddly, can feel good because you know it's real.

Does this make sense? Shoot. =P I was all excited when I started cuz I felt like I had a really complete thought about something I feel strongly about and could communicate it clearly.

old news

This post contains old news to those of you on Facebook.  But sooome people don't haaave Facebook... like my Nana and Boompa. =)

And sooome people forget they have Facebook (or just don't check it... like... ever).  Like my Grandma and Granddad. =)

I just wanted to share these couple songs I recorded recently. =) Love you guys!

This is a cover I recorded a few months ago of a Lifehouse song.


This one's an original song that I wrote a few years ago. The Lifehouse one was more polished and practiced and this one I did "live" for the camera, but I played a couple more guitar parts over the video to flesh it out a bit.

(dis)content

We all want it, right?  Contentment?

A friend recently claimed to be content. Said there was nothing else to want (or at least nothing came to mind). And honestly, it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I thought, nuh uh!  =)

IIII'm not content! Are you?!

Now, I'm not saying it's impossible or that my friend was pretending (denial!! =P), it's probably just a matter of differing definitions...

It seems to me that lots of Christians feel they should be content. And understandably so. For one, Christians have Jesus. And if he's not enough, what's the point in it, right? Plus, the Bible kinda tells us to be content. 1 Timothy 6:8 says, "And having food and raiment let us be therewith content." And in Philippians 4:11-12 Paul says he's learned to be content no matter his circumstances.

But what does that mean? I guess the thing is, for me anyway, I'm in a better place spiritually when I'm not content, when I'm not satisfied. And acknowledging it too. With work, in friendships, in my relationship with Jesus. There's always room for more...

Yeah, so I'm thinking about this now (right now) and wondering what's the deal? Do I just need to learn to be content? Is this selfishness? Should this feeling be illuminating some flaw in my approach to life so I can change? I think Paul's talking about a spiritual contentment - letting God be enough or more than enough at all times. And I agree with that. I can have that contentment, but-- agh, this is tricky. =) Sorry, I feeeel like I have something here... give me a minute.

Oh! He IS enough! And he's NOT enough at the same time. Not that I need other stuff in addition to him, but that I need more of him. In the way that you don't take a first bite of a delicious meal and then just put the fork down and call it good. Especially if you're hungry, which I am, for dinner. =\ You want, crave, neeeed more. (I'm realizing the story of Jesus offering the woman living water so that she'll never thirst again brings up an interesting point... about becoming satisfied... but I'm thinking that doesn't help my "argument" here. So, disregarded!)

Yeah, so this is basically a discussion between me, myself and I. And I'm wishing they had more to contribute here, like other perspectives, to make it interesting.

And "oh!" again! I think too of the man in the Bible who sat by the healing pool, a cripple for 38 years. And of Jesus asking him, "Do you want to be healed?" Oh. My. Gosh. Really?! What kind of question is that to ask a crippled man who's been suffering all his life?! At first you think, well, duh! Hello, Jesus! Of course he wants to be healed!

But does he?

Maybe Jesus was awakening something in him that had died away. He's been this way for 38 years! Think there's a chance that maybe he's come to accept some of this? This is just the way it is. Maybe? I mean, Jesus asks him and his response is basically, "No, you see, it doesn't work for me."


Think about it. Isn't it easy to accept hurt? Brokenness? Illness or loss? Aspects of our lives that sometimes feel permanent or inescapable? Do we forget that there's better out there? A better life? A better approach?


I understand the being content/grateful for what God has done. And I am! I SO am! But being content or saying we are feels like letting up somehow, ya know? I don't want this to be pushy or-- blah blah blah, I don't know what I'm saying here, but I just feel stirred up to say, to encourage if I can, keep wanting! Keep asking! Don't  say, "This is good enough."

Basically, I want better. I will always want better. And I believe God smiles at that. Let's not be content! (But, really, be content. =P) Let's say instead, this is good and I'm thankful, but I WANT MORE!!! More of God, more life, more love, more health, more beauty around us! Do you doubt that's what God wants for you? He's bigger and better than we know and I'm convinced it delights him when we say I know that and "PLEASE, SHOW ME MORE!" But he's not just gonna force it on us if we're saying, "that's enough."

Okay, I really thought that was the end. But then I thought of this. Luke 6:38. An image. Pressed down, shaken together and running over/overflowing. Imagine he's pouring you a cup of something super-amazingly-delicious. If God's the kind to be so delightfully reckless with the serving sizes that it pours "into your lap," doesn't it make sense that he'd love to hear us say, "Haha, MORE, MORE!!"? Instead of "When."?

now i remember

If you've read many of my previous posts you know that God has orchestrated some interesting (some fantastical) happenings in my life in the last year and a half. Well, nothing really obviously amazing has been happening lately. =P

I think it's because I've let myself get caught up in work and to-do lists and activities and have spent less time really seeking His heart. Really, I think I lost a lot of the desperation for Him that I experienced in some heavy and trying times in the early part of 2010. Interesting how your desperate times can be your best(ish).

Anyway, I sort of got a wake up call last week.

I went out to the farmers market with a couple coworkers one day and as we approached the busy market I heard a voice saying, "Excuse me! Excuse me!" A homeless woman sat on a bench nearby. I spotted her and realized she was calling to me. I went over (kinda forgetting about my friends =P who didn't notice at first that I'd wandered off).

She had a friendly face and reminded me of a good friend of mine. I expected her, of course, to tell me she needed money for this, that or the other and of her terrible circumstances, but instead she asked me another question...

She said, "Are you a spiritual person?" Oh, man, I thought, probably with a smile beginning to form on my face. I thought of how unspiritual my life had felt recently - how little attention I'd been paying to God. "Yes, I am."

"Well, this may sound strange to you," she said, "but God just told me that you should pray for me and my family."

Haha. He was at it again. =) I had to tell her, "Actually, that doesn't sound strange at all." So we prayed there, outside the farmers market. I gave her some money too and as I stood to leave she spoke/prayed a blessing over me.

God, thank you for all the ways you invade our lives and capture our hearts and minds again and again.  And wherever Cindy Williams is now, bless her. Invade her life. Amen.