don't hold your breath

An excerpt from one of John Eldredge's books that really encouraged me this morning...

Flip with me for a moment through the photo album of your heart, and collect a few of your most treasured memories. Recall a time in your life when you felt really special, a time when you knew you were loved. The day you got engaged perhaps. Or a childhood Christmas. Maybe a time with your grandparents.

Hold your memory while you gather another, a time of real adventure, such as when you first learned to ride a bike, or galloped on a horse, or perhaps did something exciting on a vacation. Now, we were meant to live in a world like that - every day. Just as our lungs are made to breathe oxygen, our souls are designed to flourish in an atmosphere rich in love and meaning, security and significance, intimacy and adventure. But we don't live in that world anymore. Far from it. Though we try to resolve the dilemma by disowning our desire, it doesn't work. It is the soul's equivalent of holding our breath. Eventually, we find ourselves gasping for air. (Desire, 71-72)

"we do a bad thing here"

"Honest communication in love is the only way to live and grow in friendship." - Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

I took that to heart when I read it a few years ago and must say I've found it to be true... by trial and error.  =\

Yeah, you may get to know someone better over time without being totally honest or transparent with them, you know, leaving certain things unsaid, like that something your friend does bugs you orrr that you like someone more than they want you to. Things may be more comfortable or "manageable" if you don't share everything, but without real honesty, without really opening yourself up and being vulnerable you're not going to really grow. The only way to really be known is to let yourself BE known.

Think of the times you were with a friend or sibling or parent and really felt close to them. I bet those moments were times you shared something deeper, maybe more "secret" about yourselves than you normally do with people. They told you about something they're worried or insecure about or you really tried to tell them how much they mean to you.

I can tell right now this'll probably be another one of those rambling entries I feel dissatisfied with because I couldn't quite communicate it all the way I feel it. Just being honest. =) So this is an exercise for me, making a point of letting people know what I think and feel in this messy way even though I'd like to wait and hold onto it and edit it over and over again until it's all said just right.

Anyway.

Isn't that what we all want, to reeeally be known? Not just for people to know what we like or don't like or to spend time with us. We want people to know the real us! It can be a scary thought, I think, the idea of letting people know the real you. Cuz there're a lot of things about who we are and who we've been that we wish were different.

That passage from Captivating goes on to say, "There are ebbs and flows. There may be real hurt and disappointment. But with the grace of God firmly holding us, it is possible to nurture and sustain deep friendships. We are designed to live in relationship and share in the lives of other [people]. We need one another. God knows that. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and, in faith, to love."

The keys there are at the end, I think. Ask. Surrender. Normally I'd focus on the "to love" part because ultimately that is THE key, but my point here is about being deliberate in relationship with others. If I want to see growth in any relationship I have I have to "ask" for it (be deliberate) and not only be willing to surrender, but to come into it already surrendered. If you can approach a relationship already surrendered to the other person, wanting to be known in the love of friendship, growth will happen.

I kinda feel like this next part, which is actually what inspired this entry, doesn't quite fit where I've gone anymore, but whatever.

Some friends and I recently watched "500 Days of Summer" and this one scene stood out to me. Tom, the main guy, is a greeting card writer and tells his coworkers right before he quits, "It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth."

I'm not saying that greeting cards are bad. =Duh. What got me was his frustration at a life where no one was willing to be vulnerable, to actually open up and say... well, just say, I guess. People want to be seen and known as being good, as having things together, as not needing other people. But we DO need each other. And I know now from experience that letting people in to see the mess, the doubt, the questions, the real desires, it's satisfying. It's uncomfortable sometimes, but even the discomfort, oddly, can feel good because you know it's real.

Does this make sense? Shoot. =P I was all excited when I started cuz I felt like I had a really complete thought about something I feel strongly about and could communicate it clearly.

old news

This post contains old news to those of you on Facebook.  But sooome people don't haaave Facebook... like my Nana and Boompa. =)

And sooome people forget they have Facebook (or just don't check it... like... ever).  Like my Grandma and Granddad. =)

I just wanted to share these couple songs I recorded recently. =) Love you guys!

This is a cover I recorded a few months ago of a Lifehouse song.


This one's an original song that I wrote a few years ago. The Lifehouse one was more polished and practiced and this one I did "live" for the camera, but I played a couple more guitar parts over the video to flesh it out a bit.

(dis)content

We all want it, right?  Contentment?

A friend recently claimed to be content. Said there was nothing else to want (or at least nothing came to mind). And honestly, it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I thought, nuh uh!  =)

IIII'm not content! Are you?!

Now, I'm not saying it's impossible or that my friend was pretending (denial!! =P), it's probably just a matter of differing definitions...

It seems to me that lots of Christians feel they should be content. And understandably so. For one, Christians have Jesus. And if he's not enough, what's the point in it, right? Plus, the Bible kinda tells us to be content. 1 Timothy 6:8 says, "And having food and raiment let us be therewith content." And in Philippians 4:11-12 Paul says he's learned to be content no matter his circumstances.

But what does that mean? I guess the thing is, for me anyway, I'm in a better place spiritually when I'm not content, when I'm not satisfied. And acknowledging it too. With work, in friendships, in my relationship with Jesus. There's always room for more...

Yeah, so I'm thinking about this now (right now) and wondering what's the deal? Do I just need to learn to be content? Is this selfishness? Should this feeling be illuminating some flaw in my approach to life so I can change? I think Paul's talking about a spiritual contentment - letting God be enough or more than enough at all times. And I agree with that. I can have that contentment, but-- agh, this is tricky. =) Sorry, I feeeel like I have something here... give me a minute.

Oh! He IS enough! And he's NOT enough at the same time. Not that I need other stuff in addition to him, but that I need more of him. In the way that you don't take a first bite of a delicious meal and then just put the fork down and call it good. Especially if you're hungry, which I am, for dinner. =\ You want, crave, neeeed more. (I'm realizing the story of Jesus offering the woman living water so that she'll never thirst again brings up an interesting point... about becoming satisfied... but I'm thinking that doesn't help my "argument" here. So, disregarded!)

Yeah, so this is basically a discussion between me, myself and I. And I'm wishing they had more to contribute here, like other perspectives, to make it interesting.

And "oh!" again! I think too of the man in the Bible who sat by the healing pool, a cripple for 38 years. And of Jesus asking him, "Do you want to be healed?" Oh. My. Gosh. Really?! What kind of question is that to ask a crippled man who's been suffering all his life?! At first you think, well, duh! Hello, Jesus! Of course he wants to be healed!

But does he?

Maybe Jesus was awakening something in him that had died away. He's been this way for 38 years! Think there's a chance that maybe he's come to accept some of this? This is just the way it is. Maybe? I mean, Jesus asks him and his response is basically, "No, you see, it doesn't work for me."


Think about it. Isn't it easy to accept hurt? Brokenness? Illness or loss? Aspects of our lives that sometimes feel permanent or inescapable? Do we forget that there's better out there? A better life? A better approach?


I understand the being content/grateful for what God has done. And I am! I SO am! But being content or saying we are feels like letting up somehow, ya know? I don't want this to be pushy or-- blah blah blah, I don't know what I'm saying here, but I just feel stirred up to say, to encourage if I can, keep wanting! Keep asking! Don't  say, "This is good enough."

Basically, I want better. I will always want better. And I believe God smiles at that. Let's not be content! (But, really, be content. =P) Let's say instead, this is good and I'm thankful, but I WANT MORE!!! More of God, more life, more love, more health, more beauty around us! Do you doubt that's what God wants for you? He's bigger and better than we know and I'm convinced it delights him when we say I know that and "PLEASE, SHOW ME MORE!" But he's not just gonna force it on us if we're saying, "that's enough."

Okay, I really thought that was the end. But then I thought of this. Luke 6:38. An image. Pressed down, shaken together and running over/overflowing. Imagine he's pouring you a cup of something super-amazingly-delicious. If God's the kind to be so delightfully reckless with the serving sizes that it pours "into your lap," doesn't it make sense that he'd love to hear us say, "Haha, MORE, MORE!!"? Instead of "When."?

now i remember

If you've read many of my previous posts you know that God has orchestrated some interesting (some fantastical) happenings in my life in the last year and a half. Well, nothing really obviously amazing has been happening lately. =P

I think it's because I've let myself get caught up in work and to-do lists and activities and have spent less time really seeking His heart. Really, I think I lost a lot of the desperation for Him that I experienced in some heavy and trying times in the early part of 2010. Interesting how your desperate times can be your best(ish).

Anyway, I sort of got a wake up call last week.

I went out to the farmers market with a couple coworkers one day and as we approached the busy market I heard a voice saying, "Excuse me! Excuse me!" A homeless woman sat on a bench nearby. I spotted her and realized she was calling to me. I went over (kinda forgetting about my friends =P who didn't notice at first that I'd wandered off).

She had a friendly face and reminded me of a good friend of mine. I expected her, of course, to tell me she needed money for this, that or the other and of her terrible circumstances, but instead she asked me another question...

She said, "Are you a spiritual person?" Oh, man, I thought, probably with a smile beginning to form on my face. I thought of how unspiritual my life had felt recently - how little attention I'd been paying to God. "Yes, I am."

"Well, this may sound strange to you," she said, "but God just told me that you should pray for me and my family."

Haha. He was at it again. =) I had to tell her, "Actually, that doesn't sound strange at all." So we prayed there, outside the farmers market. I gave her some money too and as I stood to leave she spoke/prayed a blessing over me.

God, thank you for all the ways you invade our lives and capture our hearts and minds again and again.  And wherever Cindy Williams is now, bless her. Invade her life. Amen.

south pasadena

So, I kinda love it here.

Got out on my rollerblades this morning and spent an hour plus meandering/zigzagging back and forth through my new neighborhood. It's about time (both that I got back on my skates and that I explored where I live)!

It's a neighborhood of tree forts and front yard soccer fields.  Joggers, dog-walkers and porch swings.

I mean, there were two tree forts on opposite ends of one block! They were empty, of course, being that it's only 8:30 on Saturday morning... and that's when cartoons are on TV.  =)  But really!  I can just imagine epic acorn battles and daring espionage with kids from one fort sending "secret" messages down the block to the enemy (probably by way of a little sister =).

I saw a middle-aged guy in his bath robe, out for a walk with the dog. They crossed someone's lawn and took a seat on a park bench at the edge of the garden (not his - they got up and moved along after a while).  It was fun to think, that's probably their routine.  I think I'd like that.  Minus the bath robe, perhaps. =)

There's a sign I drive past regularly that says South Pas has been one of the Tree City USA cities for 13 years now.  I knew we had a lot of trees down here (haha, I like saying "we"), but I hadn't realized how many until today.  Well, not that I know how many exactly, like a number, but the point is that I was really surprised by how green and shady and cool this area is!  It's really relaxing.  Little streets so populated with big trees that they become tunnels of green.

And unlike so many neighborhoods, no one builds ugly houses here! Okay, maybe there're a few oddball ones, but for the most part people have decent taste.  Lots of craftsman style homes with wide covered porches and healthy gardens.  I found myself wanting to take pictures of everything so I could show you, but a picture only tells so much.

I did take this one.  I feel like it captures something of the way the morning felt.

imagine another petal falling every few seconds

It's picturesque!  That's what it is!  It's the "Father of the Bride" neighborhood.  A picturesque slice of So Cal suburbia that feels friendly, like family, like neighbors talking after work in the evenings, kids playing tag across multiple yards.

Anyway, I like it okay.

welcome back, me!

Hello, faithful few!

Hello? HellO?!

Ah, well.

By now most of you've figured out what's up in my life and don't need this, but I'll tell anyway, for the sake of those whose paths don't regularly intersect mine.

This. Is. An update.

I was searching/waiting for God to put me on a boat and float me away into the next season of my life and something unexpected happened...

Woke up one morning and God said, I'm going to give you reason to rejoice today. I thought, ooh, cool, I wonder what it'll be. The things I hoped would happen didn't and I got to the end of the day wondering if I'd missed something. I had! But wait, I didn't know that yet.

I chose to be thankful and rejoice in the simplicities of the day, saying God, you HAVE given me reason to rejoice and you always do. Then I pulled my phone out to switch it off for the night and saw a missed call...

Ended up that I had a coooool job in just a couple days and have been there since. So I'm a visual effects (VFX) coordinator at a company called Zoic Studios.

The last month has been crazy at work, putting in 13, 14 and 15 hour days. I left off the 16, 17 and 18 hour days cuz they don't happen as often... but they happen. Sheesh. And I didn't want you think I'm just trying to get sympathy points or something, but that's the truth. Yeah, I'll take the points. =P

I'm finishing work on an action comedy called RED that stars Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker, Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich. Looks like a fun one and it'll be fun just to see my name in the credits. Starts October 15!

Oh, and I was in a car wreck on the freeway last Sunday. More on that later... maybe. Just know God protected me, which is his way. =)