don't wait

I ride my bike, or go running, or rollerblading almost every morning (thank God I live in SoCal =). There's something about waking up and doing something very deliberate that requires intensity and energy that helps get me into a really good place with God. It's a time I set aside to pray - for friends, family, neighbors, whoever God puts on my heart.

I rode to the top of Pasadena and was gonna go to the Eaton Canyon bridge entry, but decided to go left to Allen for a fun ride down and jumping curbs. But I felt in my heart that I was to turn back around and go the way I was thinking I'd go originally. I thought, why? And reasoned why it didn't matter, but then again felt I needed to go. With a sense of urgency because I had delayed.

I zipped past the entry, where a man was just emerging from the gate and walking away. And I felt in my heart, whoa, where are you going? I wanted you over here for a reason. I thought, that guy?! And I felt Him say, yes. I stopped and delayed a while, asking, is this really you? What is this about? And I felt I was supposed to introduce myself and give him my business card. What the heck! This is crazy! I tried to quiet my mind and ask for more certainty, but heard nothing. So I said, even if it's not You, the worst that happens is he thinks I'm crazy... and has my phone number. =P But I felt You say to do this and so I'll just do it.

The guy was out of sight around the corner (I'd waited a while, giving God plenty of time to tell me it wasn't Him speaking and that I could go on my merry way =) so I took off after him and waved him down. Awkward. I said good morning and introduced myself with a, "this is gonna sound really weird, but." And I told him that I'd gotten this really strong impression when I passed him that I was supposed to give him my card. He laughed and said, "Uh, well, what do you do?" I told him I studied film, but I'm currently looking for work on a yacht. You gotta know the yacht part made him laugh - we're up in the foothills of Pasadena, remember.

But then he said good-humoredly, yet, matter-of-factly, "Well, I've never been involved or connected to the film business in any way... and I don't have a yacht =)... BUT... i might just meet someone tomorrow who does and is supposed to get this card." So he took it. I thanked him and we went our separate ways.

Okay, that was weird!

I rode back the way I wanted to go before and then felt God prompting me to turn away across another street, a street I had come up on the way to the top. I'd come across here to pray for some people I know and was feeling now like, but I already prayed for them. But I'm beginning to learn it's best just to go with what it feels like God's saying. Even if you're not sure it's Him, as long as there's no big reason you shouldn't do the thing, just do it. He's got the big picture and I don't =) =(.

I went across and right as I got near the house a guy got out of a car and walked toward the house and then back (musta forgotten something). Because I know the people who live here I had an idea who this visitor was and I thought, what did you bring me across his path for? I looked inside and felt, tell him to tell them you're praying for them.

What?! They don't need to know I pray for them. And besides, if they tell the story about this guy bringing a message from me, it might be misunderstood as me trying to get attention or something.

So I waited again, hoping God would either make it crystal clear to me what I was to do... or the moment would pass. And it did. And as soon as it was gone I felt His gentle disappointment. I knew I'd just missed out on being a part of God's blessing to these people.

And I don't want to miss out! But we can't do things waiting to see the outcomes of the things we do in obedience to God as if in the outcome we'll be assured that it had been God. Like the result of our actions will somehow be special and prove we heard Him. Or nothing will happen and prove we're crazy =).

Maybe that guy I gave my card to will throw it away and forget all about it. Or maybe he'll pass it on to just the right person. Maybe that won't happen until three months from now...

He asks only that we obey. And as long as the things we believe He's asking or telling us to do aren't harmful, we shouldn't be requiring Him to assure us it's Him before we act. Really, what's the harm in putting yourself out there a little and trusting that you hear the shepherd and know His voice? =)

so she went

Sorry I haven't shared in a while. I've had lots to say, but every time I came here I felt like I was being sidetracked from what was really important - seeking.

So I've been reading. A lot. Ordered a new Bible recently; an ESV with tons of room for me to scribble my notes. Okay, so those who know me know I don't scribble. =) It's so good to hear the Word in a different translation sometimes; you see things you haven't noticed before, get a fresh new pass at it that helps you build on what you've already found.

I've had lots of time to, and felt directed to, study and read in these last many weeks as I've searched for work (still haven't hit on anything. . . yet =) and I've been growing in my understanding of what it means to "delight yourself in the Lord" and in His word or "law," which is also translated "instruction." More on that in another post - but I'm loving the time I spend in it and the wisdom and faith I'm receiving from it ("faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God," Romans 10:17).

And now I feel like it's time to share something.

I received some money for my birthday that was given with the intention that it go toward getting a small digital pocket camera (I haven't had a camera since Ryan ran off with ours, God bless him =). But having spent a lot on training and having no income I've been considering just depositing the money and considering it as, well, income. Thanking God for it, of course, and the people who gave it, but thinking it seemed rather "nonsensical" (remember that) to go out and buy stuff when there's no money coming in.

I'd asked God yesterday if I should keep the money out and possibly buy a camera or put it in the bank (I'm suddenly thinking about Mary Poppins and the boy's tuppence =). And I woke up this morning with the story of Elisha and the widow on my mind. And God saying (and I don't mean I heard an audible voice, but I felt Him speak in my spirit), Go, in faith, and buy the camera. You're gonna want one where you're going. =) So I looked up the story. . .

1Now the wife of one of the sons of the prophets cried to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD, but the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves." 2And Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me; what have you in the house?" And she said, "Your servant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil." 3Then he said, "Go outside, borrow vessels from all your neighbors, empty vessels and not too few. 4Then go in and shut the door behind yourself and your sons and pour into all these vessels. And when one is full, set it aside." 5So she went from him and shut the door behind herself and her sons. And as she poured they brought the vessels to her. 6When the vessels were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel." And he said to her, "There is not another." Then the oil stopped flowing. 7She came and told the man of God, and he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debts, and you and your sons can live on the rest." (emphasis added)

The woman is widowed. On her own. She's got nothing. On top of that, she has debt and they're gonna take her sons as payment. See, she thinks she has nothing. Or she feels she has nothing. And rightly so. What she can see and feel says there's not much hope, if any. And in my case too, what I see seems pretty limited. But Elisha says, go and do a bunch of stuff that seems "nonsensical" (gathering loads of jars from everywhere she can think of. . . so she can pour her one little jar of leftover oil, what, into the bottom of another one?).

God's asking her to step out in faith - to prepare for what He wants to do! And it's as she does that that He's able to work for her and through her for her good!

He's asking me to step out in faith! To trust him even when it seems nonsensical - this is almost beginning to feel like a theme in my life. =) He said I'm gonna want a camera where I'm going. He's always got good reasons for why He asks/tells us to do things, but most important, as with the widow, is that we do those things! What if the widow had said, "You're crazy! What's borrowing all those pots gonna help? It'll make everyone think I'm crazy, that's what!" God wouldn't have done a thing. Her sons woulda been taken as slaves and she woulda starved! Or something.

But she had faith. Or, at the very least, obedience. So. she. went.

They got every jar they could get their hands on! She was preparing for what God was going to do! She did what Elisha said and look how God moved! They filled every jar! The oil in the little one didn't run out 'til they'd filled all the borrowed ones! She paid the debt and they lived off the leftovers!

I'm not saying God's gonna make me rich by my going to get this camera. I'm saying, "I'm going out there and I'm gonna prepare for what God is going to do!" God is bigger and better than what I can see.

So believe with me! I will be out there! Soon!

And I'll take pictures! =D

closer to you

This is a small clip of a song I started writing a month or so ago. I was playing my guitar, just letting some stuff out, trying to give voice to what I was feeling. Not find words for what I was feeling, just express it, get it out through the music. But words started coming.

I turned on the mic and just played and sang the words I was feeling and when I stopped I could hear the rest of the music. So I sat down and added the other pieces (so I could go back later and know where it was going). I feel like it pry sounds kinda typical, unoriginal, but it was and continues to be, for me, sincere.

The words that came weren't what I was feeling . . . they were what my heart was telling me, more true than my feelings.

I'm sharing it because it's hard to. And I hope it encourages you a little. =)

The photo is from our backpacking trip - this is a rooftop in Athens where we would hang out and worship.

You may want to read along (below) - the recording is rough.



These are my hopes, these are my dreams
This is my heart and I choose to bring
All of myself as my offering
I bring You these songs You gave me to sing
I give them to You cuz I wanna be
Closer to You, come closer to me

Don't be far away
Can't you hear me say

I wanna be closer to You
Take everything I've held on to
Cuz all that I want and all that I need
I find in Your arms as You make me complete
I wanna be...
Closer to You...

painted heart

I went running this morning - just a couple miles through the old neighborwood. And there, on the sidewalk, a sidewalk I've walked, skated and biked on for sixteen years, was this . . .


Maybe it's new to the area, but . . . maybe I just never noticed it before.

I've been in a different headspace and heartspace these last couple months and I'm finding more and more that there are tons of little signs and moments and interactions God wants us to see and have that we totally miss when we're caught up in Life. See, it's easier to find or recognize these things when we're searching for something. Searching for truth, answers, love, validation, security, our road map to life (where the heck do I find that one?! =). So I've been searching a lot. And finding a lot. And it's not always the things we want to find. But it's the things God knows we need to find.

He encourages. He inspires. He comforts. He speaks through things that are easy to miss.

I stopped at the park for a drink from the fountain and saw a man taking a walk with his dog. And his parrot. =) Now I didn't get some specific message from this, but God put me there at that moment (not a moment too soon or too late) to see this guy with his dog and his bird. And He knew seeing that would make me smile and think of Him. It made me think that the answers I'm searching for . . . maybe they won't look like what I expect. Maybe I've been looking for something that fits "in the box." Open your eyes a little wider.

Later, I saw a mom pushing an empty stroller, her two little kids running ahead to something that had them excited. The little boy reached the opening of a drain pipe in someone's yard that was buried under a bulge in the lawn, much like the doorway to a hobbit hole, and he began calling into it, "HOBBIT? HOBBIT?" The sister joined him with enthusiasm. The mom noticed me passing by and smiled, both of us delighted by the kids' blissful ignorance. And I thought of how we're so often like those kids to God, thinking or believing something ridiculous and needing His gentle explanation (with a delighted smile) to bring us to a place of true understanding of the world, of life, of who He is.

And that painted heart? I really needed that. Thank you. =)

He's speaking to us! Listen for it. Be awake to it.