don't hold your breath

An excerpt from one of John Eldredge's books that really encouraged me this morning...

Flip with me for a moment through the photo album of your heart, and collect a few of your most treasured memories. Recall a time in your life when you felt really special, a time when you knew you were loved. The day you got engaged perhaps. Or a childhood Christmas. Maybe a time with your grandparents.

Hold your memory while you gather another, a time of real adventure, such as when you first learned to ride a bike, or galloped on a horse, or perhaps did something exciting on a vacation. Now, we were meant to live in a world like that - every day. Just as our lungs are made to breathe oxygen, our souls are designed to flourish in an atmosphere rich in love and meaning, security and significance, intimacy and adventure. But we don't live in that world anymore. Far from it. Though we try to resolve the dilemma by disowning our desire, it doesn't work. It is the soul's equivalent of holding our breath. Eventually, we find ourselves gasping for air. (Desire, 71-72)

"we do a bad thing here"

"Honest communication in love is the only way to live and grow in friendship." - Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

I took that to heart when I read it a few years ago and must say I've found it to be true... by trial and error.  =\

Yeah, you may get to know someone better over time without being totally honest or transparent with them, you know, leaving certain things unsaid, like that something your friend does bugs you orrr that you like someone more than they want you to. Things may be more comfortable or "manageable" if you don't share everything, but without real honesty, without really opening yourself up and being vulnerable you're not going to really grow. The only way to really be known is to let yourself BE known.

Think of the times you were with a friend or sibling or parent and really felt close to them. I bet those moments were times you shared something deeper, maybe more "secret" about yourselves than you normally do with people. They told you about something they're worried or insecure about or you really tried to tell them how much they mean to you.

I can tell right now this'll probably be another one of those rambling entries I feel dissatisfied with because I couldn't quite communicate it all the way I feel it. Just being honest. =) So this is an exercise for me, making a point of letting people know what I think and feel in this messy way even though I'd like to wait and hold onto it and edit it over and over again until it's all said just right.

Anyway.

Isn't that what we all want, to reeeally be known? Not just for people to know what we like or don't like or to spend time with us. We want people to know the real us! It can be a scary thought, I think, the idea of letting people know the real you. Cuz there're a lot of things about who we are and who we've been that we wish were different.

That passage from Captivating goes on to say, "There are ebbs and flows. There may be real hurt and disappointment. But with the grace of God firmly holding us, it is possible to nurture and sustain deep friendships. We are designed to live in relationship and share in the lives of other [people]. We need one another. God knows that. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and, in faith, to love."

The keys there are at the end, I think. Ask. Surrender. Normally I'd focus on the "to love" part because ultimately that is THE key, but my point here is about being deliberate in relationship with others. If I want to see growth in any relationship I have I have to "ask" for it (be deliberate) and not only be willing to surrender, but to come into it already surrendered. If you can approach a relationship already surrendered to the other person, wanting to be known in the love of friendship, growth will happen.

I kinda feel like this next part, which is actually what inspired this entry, doesn't quite fit where I've gone anymore, but whatever.

Some friends and I recently watched "500 Days of Summer" and this one scene stood out to me. Tom, the main guy, is a greeting card writer and tells his coworkers right before he quits, "It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth."

I'm not saying that greeting cards are bad. =Duh. What got me was his frustration at a life where no one was willing to be vulnerable, to actually open up and say... well, just say, I guess. People want to be seen and known as being good, as having things together, as not needing other people. But we DO need each other. And I know now from experience that letting people in to see the mess, the doubt, the questions, the real desires, it's satisfying. It's uncomfortable sometimes, but even the discomfort, oddly, can feel good because you know it's real.

Does this make sense? Shoot. =P I was all excited when I started cuz I felt like I had a really complete thought about something I feel strongly about and could communicate it clearly.